meet me by the water

later with me..

2010-09-28T17:51:00.002+10:00

So much has occurred.. and so much has changed..
There was much too much for the blogosphere..
things too deep and complicated..

Suffice to say.. I'm not on staff with YWAM anymore
[didn't leave on bad terms] and am so stoked for this
new season of my life!

New blog coming soon..
stay tuned..

::Day 3

2010-04-26T14:25:00.006+10:00

it's week 5 of the
School of Worshipping Warriors
and we have no lectures this week.
instead, our school is organising and running
the 24-7 worship week on base.

we feel that God is taking us to a deeper level
calling us to Come Away and Run with Him..
..to go back to our first love
to remember what it is like to be in love with Him
and go deeper..
..to break off all our old mindsets of what
we have always been told that He is like
and the way worship should be
..He wants to pour out so much
and show us more more more
He just wants people who are willing to want that
to burn with passion for Him
as He burns with passion for us.

on Saturday night we felt God wanted to
show us more of His love and beauty
for us to captivated and captured by Him.
It was a powerful time and we mostly sang out
prophetically..
~ fun!!

it's day 3...

My beloved spoke, and said to me:
Rise up, my love, my fair one, And come away'
~ Song of Songs 2:10

SOWW Week 2

2010-04-11T12:06:00.008+10:00

The first week of my SOWW
[School of Worshipping Warriors]
was orientation and a short outreach up to the north coast of NSW
to a surf town called Yamba, about 2 hrs south of Byron Bay.
We went to an Indigenous mission there
to help with worship for an Indigenous Easter Conference.

The spiritual atmosphere was very heavy
God moved incredibly through us being there and the people that
attended the conference.
We worshipped over the land, did open airs, hung out with the kids
and loved people.

I saw a huge angel one night, in the hall where we stayed
when God woke us up to pray at 2:30am for the community.
We felt such a shift in the spiritual atmosphere that night.
It was beautiful! God's presence was so manifest there
and we are excited to send a team there again soon.

We have just finished the first week of lectures for the SOWW
we had Kevin Norris from YWAM Kona [Hawai'i]
speaking on the Character and Development of a Worshipper

basically, it was all about Knowing God
- in the LoveSick way!
Needless to say.. I was totally stoked - this is my favourite topic
EVER

the week was really heavy [in a good way]
with God doing a lot in all of us and setting us free from a lot of things
there is still so much to process and I know that
God is only going to multiply all this stuff
and keep turning my word upside down.

It's awesome!

There are 9 students on this school with me
All but 2 are base staff here at Island Breeze Sydney
and are made up of the Protocol team, Indigenous ministry
and Worship team on our base.

Here is a little taste of the last day of lectures this week
talking about expressing yourself to God and the power of words
and being whole-hearted -
_____________________________________

Be Real

Is there a better way?

Tell it like it is – real, genuine, authentic – lament
Remember what God has done – thanks
[enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise]
Speak out what He is like – praise
[You are my refuge, You are my provider, You are my comfort..]
Express your confidence in what God will do in the future – confessing your hope
Surrender to Him, receive His love – worship

Hebrews 10:23 – 'Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful'

Remember what God has done – I remember when You...
Remember Who He is/What He is like – You are our ...
Remember His promises – Speak hope into the future – wars against the lies of the enemies
______________________________________

to contact me - cassandra@islandbreezesydney.org

the first day of my life

2010-03-30T11:44:00.010+11:00

Now it is time for an Update.

since I left in Nov 2009 to go up to Brisbane,

much has Occurred.

So let's break it down..

________________________________

Back to Island Breeze Sydney

I came back to Sydney in January and

joined as staff at YWAM Island Breeze Sydney
We had the YWAM 50th Jubilee Celebration in Canberra
and I settled into Indigenous Ministry and Communications on base.

Our base

________________________________

Kitchen Injury

About 4 weeks ago, I burnt my left hand around the area of my
thumb (on the back and a little of the palm)
whilst trying to move a slow-cooker full of bubbling stew.
The burns were 2nd degree, and made life hard for a few weeks
but it is healing well and I didn't have to go to the burn clinic
or see a specialist.
I do have to keep it covered in the sun for 6 mths
to prevent permanent discolouration.

my hand during the healing process

________________________________

Warriors Join Together

At the end of February, God brought a man alongside me.
A warrior after His heart.
He was already a friend over last year and is also staff on base with me.

So, I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man of God
and learning more of God's heart through it.
It's beautiful.

God is already doing so much restoration and healing through him.
He is overseas at the moment, doing a leadership school.

Me & my Warrior

________________________________

Created to Worship

I was meant to staff the June - Nov
Discipleship Training School [DTS]
but after prayer and taking various things into account,
I have decided to do the School of Worshipping Warriors [SOWW]
which starts today.
This is the first worship school of this kind to be run on our base.

Opening of the SOWW

Bollywood Hen's Night for a girl on base

I know I am called to worship and so this is a good
training ground for me.
I am very excited for what God is going to do
over the next 6 months of this school.
I want to go deep deep deeper into the river of His Intimate
Amazing Beautiful Love Glory Fire Heart

________________________________

If you would like any more information or would like to
support me either financially or in prayer,
please email me at
cassandra@islandbreezesydney.org

2010-03-12T15:19:00.001+11:00

There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her.

— Donald Miller

a snapshot view

2010-02-09T22:18:00.003+11:00

my life has been hectic busy lately!
but here is a snapshot of the last few weeks..

New Year's Eve worship @ the park,
the YWAM 50th Jubilee Celebrations in Canberra
with Loren and Darlene Cunningham and
Australia Day @ the park

New Year's Eve

Australia Day @ the park

YWAM 50th Jubilee Celebration @ Canberra

Some of the guys from my base

Away til mid-Jan..

2009-12-23T10:31:00.000+11:00

I'm in Queensland at the moment, visiting friends & doing training for YWAM in Jan.. So I'll be back on the blogosphere in a few weeks..

Photos & musings to come!
Mele Kalikimaka :D
Merry Christmas x

the last month or so..

2009-12-12T12:14:00.007+11:00

waterfalls of honeywine

2009-12-11T01:09:00.001+11:00

I'm laying everything down before the Lord.
Bit by bit. Life never turns out the way you think
and I figure the best thing is to just fall more deeply in love with Him.
I never wanted an epic love story, just a real one.
One that takes my breath away and regularly moves my heart
to passions it has never experienced before..

..And all this time, I was in the middle of it
I just never looked closely enough because I was always in the way..
too insecure.. too needy.. too focused on my pain
and not trusting God's Good heart...

I feel like..see more now.
I'm drinking my wine with milk and dying to be closer to Him.
I'm on a hunt for the treasure in my Lover's soul, in His breath, in His heart.
I'm more desperate than I've ever been, for this Lover of mine..
for His potency.

I feel like the woman in song of songs
who was beaten when looking for him..
My love was so naiive and immature..

It's been through fire and grown now, just a little..
but eons from where it was.
But really it's His love.

I just want to dance like We've never danced before..

to me You have run

2009-12-06T10:54:00.002+11:00

it's been quite a while since I've updated this blog
and many things have come to pass during this time
mostly to do with healing and restoration.

This year has been quite rough,
with God bringing out very dark things in my heart
and also restoring lost, absent hope to my heart.
to get rid of the lies, they need to be rooted out
and replaced with truth.

A lot of it had to do with my calling and also my identity in Christ.
and I can see now God's fingerprints
and I never stopped feeling Him so close by.

My church has been having a Burn24 hr worship time
over this weekend and it's been amazing.
I was there for the opening and stayed through the night
til the next mid-afternoon.

I have a call and anointing for intimate worship
and this year over the last few months, one of the areas
that was attacked and God rooting out lies
was in that area.
I came to the point where I truly had forgotten what I was anointed for

and during the Burn on the first night,
it was around 2am, and there were some hungry lovers
scattered about the place
I took a step of faith and picked up the guitar
my friend hopped on the piano
and I worshipped God like never before
I got so drunk in His love
just singing out His heart and mine
in that beautiful place where they collide..
all In Him.

going back tonight for more shaka
to drink deeeeeeeep of His love and glory and joyful goodness

I am heading up to Brisvegas (Brisbane)
next weekend for Christmas and to do training in Jan for YWAM
then I am back to the base as full time staff.
but that is a whole different story for next time.

God's love and faithfulness tears me apart.
I love it.

me & my best friend

2009-11-22T01:56:00.013+11:00

my dear best friend
the sister I never had..
My Lewa

the amount of things that have come against our friendship
is only overshadowed by the Good things
that God has done in it
and the deep deep healing He has been releasing
in so many areas for both of us.

this is my little pictoral tribute to the friendship
I have with a person who has changed my life in so many ways
that she may never even realise

someone I can't imagine my life without
whom God has blessed me with in incredible ways
beyond my imagination
someone who has modelled the love of Jesus to me
in the both the darkest and happiest of times.

I love you so much Lewa!

Let us go into His dwelling place; Let us worship at His footstool.
~ psalm 132:7

she is a breath-taking beautiful princess
strong and tender-hearted
a woman of the highest integrity
a lovesick worshipping warrior
who walks in eternal truth and incredible love.
She carries the heart and glory of the King of Kings.

..and she's on outreach right now
-- I miss her terribly~!!!

Blissed

2009-11-11T22:15:00.002+11:00

I'm Ecstatically in love with the King of Glory
and getting more & more drunk
and Blissed Out on the New Wine of His Heart,
His Love Glory Joy Presence..

Will write an update sooooooooooon..

2009-11-10T10:17:00.000+11:00

Hebrews 9:11
‘But when Christ arrived as the high priest of the bliss that was to be, he passed through the greater and more perfect tent which no hands had made…

2009-11-08T00:05:00.002+11:00

oh let me tell you
let me tell you
I am lovesick
no other love is destined for my heart

oh let me tell you
let me tell you
I am lovesick
no other love is destined for my heart

so come on
ravish my heart oh God
I need You to

2009-11-05T00:00:00.000+11:00

..come share Your secrets with me ..take me into the wild of nature ..the barren land of deep honey where the water moves with Your breath ..whisper Your raging love to my savage heart..

~Losana

King of Glory

2009-11-04T00:23:00.004+11:00

Let Your love surround me
Wrap Your arms around me
'Til I, I am arrested
By your embrace, face to face

Cause with You I'm free
You share secrets with me
Because I, I am in love with You

Holy Father, You reign
King of my heart, I praise Your name

[~ chris quilala ]

a weekend in Sydney

2009-10-26T21:00:00.005+11:00

quality time with the girls @ GJ's in Cronulla, after surfing

awesome fun @ Gertrude & Alice's, bookstore cafe @ Bondi Beach.. some of the best chai I've had outside India

an interesting installation my friend & I stumbled across a few days ago in the city

under the birdcages..

me & my very best friend. She really is the sister I never had.

from the land of the barren we will cry out for rain

2009-10-22T13:53:00.001+11:00

keep looking at the bigger picture.

you would not believe the way He looks at me

2009-10-15T23:56:00.001+11:00

you would not believe
the way He touches me
He burns right through me

I can't hold my love back from You
I've gotta sing
Sing My Love

upon a sea of green, we danced to the song of fragrant memories and longing

2009-10-15T23:23:00.001+11:00

He wrote some of the most passionate
real verse concerning love, passion, anger..
..Life.
This is one of my favourites.
__________________________

All night I have slept with you
next to the sea, on the island
Wild and sweet you were between pleasure and sleep,
between fire and water.

Perhaps very late
our dreams joined
at the top or at the bottom,
up above like branches moved by a common wind,
down below like red roots that touch.

Perhaps your dream
drifted from mine
and through the dark sea
was seeking me
as before,
when you did not exist,
when without sighting you
I sailed by your side,
and your eyes sought
what now---
bread, wine,love and anger--
I heap upon you
because you are the cup
that was waiting for the gifts of my life.

I have slept with you
all night long while
the dark earth spins
with the living and the dead,
and on waking suddenly
in the midst of the shadow
my arm encircled your waist.

Neither night nor sleep
could separate us.

I have slept with you
and on waking, your mouth
come from your dream,
gave me the taste of earth,
of sea water, of sea weed,
of the depths of your life
and I received your kiss
moistened by the dawn
as if it came to me
from the sea that surrounds us.

_______________

Toda la noche he dormido contigo
junto al mar, en la isla.
Salvaje y dulce eras entre el placer y el sueño,
entre el fuego y el agua.

Tal vez muy tarde
nuestros sueños se unieron
en lo alto o en el fondo,
arriba como ramas que un mismo viento mueve,
abajo como rojas raíces que se tocan.

Tal vez tu sueño
se separó del mío
y por el mar oscuro
me buscaba
como antes
cuando aún no existías,
cuando sin divisarte
navegué por tu lado,
y tus ojos buscaban
lo que ahora
—pan, vino, amor y cólera—
te doy a manos llenas
porque tú eres la copa
que esperaba los dones de mi vida.

He dormido contigo
toda la noche mientras
la oscura tierra gira
con vivos y con muertos,
y al despertar de pronto
en medio de la sombra
mi brazo rodeaba tu cintura.
Ni la noche, ni el sueño
pudieron separarnos.

He dormido contigo
y al despertar tu boca
salida de tu sueño
me dio el sabor de tierra,
de agua marina, de algas,
del fondo de tu vida,
y recibí tu beso
mojado por la aurora
como si me llegara
del mar que nos rodea.

[ Pablo Neruda ]
'La Noche en la Isla'
The Captain's Verses.1971

You are My God

2009-10-14T13:43:00.009+11:00

I played this song last night
as I lay in bed

and as it washed over me,
I realised so many things..
in the presence of God things really do become clear.

I realised there is still so much shame in my heart
& so often I still feel like..
..how can God stand to look at me,
let lone run after me so passionately..
..fight off the legions of hell..
for me?

and there is the part I don't get:
Love & Grace.
the real kind, not the human conditional kind.

I am dark yet lovely
filthy yet loved
dirty yet washed clean

and as these things rolled through my heart and mind
I just cried and cried
and was so thankful
that I don't have to pay the price for my sins
I am washed so clean, like new
and on top of that I am so incredibly LOVED
God is revealing grace and love to my heart
anew.

so I'm choosing to move past the shame
and despite it,
to acknowledge His love
and accept it a little more
and crowd out all that ugly stuff
so that His love has every part of me.
one step at a time.

I feel like He has been singing this verse to me
over and over for a while now..
to stop hiding from Him
stop being ashamed to come before Him.

My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely
~ Song of Songs 2:14

in my life,
the hardest thing for me to understand has been
how much I am loved.
sometimes I still feel like
I need to do something to be worthy
of His love and grace and time..
but like I heard on the weekend,

He loves me because He loves me
because He loves me because He loves me
because He loves me
BECAUSE HE LOVES ME

thankfully.. He will never give up
telling me just how much,
until I get it.

and then He'll tell me some more.

to me You have run..

2009-10-13T23:55:00.000+11:00

..so I cry
Holy
the light is white
Holy
and I see You
Holy

I'm alive
I'm still alive..

I can feel You all around me
thickening the air I'm breathing
holding onto what I'm feeling
savouring this heart that's healing..

[~ flyleaf ]

joy in the midst

2009-10-13T21:38:00.005+11:00

felt that heaviness this morning
like a burdensome winter coat.
i stumbled into the shower
[my favourite place to talk to God &
incidentally, one of the places I hear Him clearest]
and was just .. asking.. begging Him..
is this a wilderness time really?
or.. is it me who moved?

i decided i was too tired to contemplate it
through the day so i tried to force it
to the back of my mind
and lose myself in photoshop and worship music.
how can I ignore Him for long?
preposterous!

at the end of the day i decided...
..perhaps it doesn't matter if this is a wilderness
[though I think it is] or not
because the answer is the same...

Dig. Hunger. Thirst. Be Desperate.
Forget about yourself.
Pour out everything you have and are for God.
Worship Him in Spirit & in Truth.
Because He is worth it.
Always.

admittedly, my desperation has cooled somewhat of late
and my hunger, diminshed, my thirst,
somewhat quenched...
.. and that terrifies me more than a lot of things.

I guess it's true that what you feed yourself on
is what you will crave.
I used to crave God so much
but I let life get in the way and I slowly
stopped spending most of my day in His presence.
I slowly started to ignore His presence
and fill my mind with other things.

this became piercingly clear over the weekend...
I was at a Suzette Hattingh rally and I was so down
and so upset and anxious about finances for the coming year
as well as paying off things before I go back to YWAM...
..I have never really worried about money
and so it was weird even to me.. but I was so caught in it.
My best friend prayed for me
and near the end of the night I started to realise
that I really had taken my eyes off the Almighty
and hence..
my problems became gigantic!!!
ridiculous!!!

so.. I am just learning to keep my eyes on the LORD
and be joyful.
Truly Joyful.

JOY!!

a beautiful mess

2009-10-08T22:29:00.012+11:00

I stood there, as tired as could be,
waiting for my friend
amid the busyness and movement of peak hour
in the heart of the city.
but I found myself caught up in
seemingly insignificant happenings around me...

nearby, there was a man playing effortless guitar
the most beautiful expression on his face
as his fingers danced up and down the strings
.. I felt so removed from the entire scene
as if I were watching a short film.
no dialogue as such
but immense depth character and emotion
from the players.

as the man played, another stood by
unwilling to leave.
just then, a young teen-aged girl walked past
and a few metres away,
she stopped.
she looked almost bewildered at her own actions.
She turned around and stared in the guitarist's direction
it was as if she could not help herself.

she stood there for a good few minutes, absolutely still
her face registering emotion after emotion
as the music sang to her heart.
something deeper than perhaps even she understood.
then the crowd .. and when they dispersed
she was gone.

I was amazed just watching her
gaining an insight and deeper revelation
that I barely comprehend with my head,
of just how God created music to be..
of how complex people are
and incredulous at the things we are moved by.

it was as if I'd experienced music and its effect
for the first time.. but through the eyes of another soul.

in some ways,
I feel as though I am experiencing my life
for the first time.
it's most likely that I am gaining
new perspective and as I've mentioned before,
seeing things through the eyes of hope
that is being restored to my heart.
not just hope that I'll make it to tomorrow still breathing,
but hope that there are Good things in my future
that God intends and is waiting to pour out.

it's definitely.. different.
and I like it.

I have been a little sick lately
just a bad cold..
but tired also.. and with a lot of processing
happening in my head and heart.

this verse has been in my head all day..
..I read it just before my shift started this morning..

'..enter His courts with thanksgiving; go into His courts with praise..' ~ psalm 100:4

beautiful.

these are keys
to being in God's presence,
to entering into His tabernacle
into the secret place.
and God.. the more I get to know Him
the more I see His is so much about joy.

He's been really speaking lately to me about
that whole joy in the midst of whatever thing
joy in the midst of everything.
"rejoice in the LORD always"
not easy at all,
but amazing that God would say that..

..that the way to get joy is to rejoice.
I guess if we waited 'til we felt like it,
we'd never do it.
sometimes you have to bypass your head and
speak to your spirit.

I feel as though,
for a little while there,
I lost my way and stumbled upon the outskirts of
Our Garden.

my fingers began to slowly slip out of my Lover's hand
as my view became clouded with
strains and pains and hurts
that needed clearing out.

and realising now that He had His hand on mine
the whole time.
I'm finding my way back
back into that secret place I love so much.
where His heart stands
a beacon to my troubled soul.

my favourite part of that song that loops on my blog playlist..
"look My way, look My way, My Love.."
He is so.. enduring and persistent.

I read that part of The Shack today during my break at work
just where Sarayu takes Mack into the garden
and they uproot the plants as they talk.
he is so captured by the mess of the place,
but also the sheer beauty of the garden, even in that state.
and Sarayu tells him that the garden is His heart

I cried.

my garden feels so dark and twisted
and so unlovely most of the time
but slowly,
slowly
I am learning to see it through His eyes
and I am a
complicated
beautiful
mess.

and it's a garden that He actually
delights in.

25 things about me

2009-10-07T13:10:00.005+11:00

I have probably already posted this
but I came across it again
where it had originally been shared
and thought, why not?
so here we go...

1. I love the smell and feel of the ocean salt on my skin on a warm day and grass or sand underneath my feet. I hate wearing closed shoes. Going barefoot or in flip-flops everyday makes me devastatingly happy.

2. I'm ridiculously shy when meeting new people.

3. I love naming things that are dear to me. I named my first guitar Mossad. And my second, Fez. My ukulele is named Kauanoe (misty rain). My laptop is named Moss (Maurice), after my grandpa. When I was 13, I named my stuffed bunny, Rosencrantz Archimedes... it's still in my posesssion.

4. To this day, I love lurking in the poetry section of libraries.. and I love reading poetry in its native language.

5. I adore seeing the hidden beauty and potential in people, the more obscure, the more satisfying and wonderful. There is incredible beauty all around, sometimes you just have to soften your eyes.

6. Perpetually backpacking around the world and living in a community/village in some off-the-map jungle has been a constant temptation since I was young. I frequently dream of simply packing my bag and hanging out in South East Asia or Latin America for a few years... the time, I feel is drawing closer for this..

7. Singing beautiful songs makes me very, very happy.

8. I'm a story-teller and a collector of stories. It's in my blood. Like the ocean

9. I constantly write words, phrases, paragraphs of beauty in my head and sometimes on paper, but can never seem to be able to remember the melody I put to any of them.

10. Every year since I was 13 (except 2008), I have read 'To Kill A Mockingbird' and 'My Family and Other Animals'. 'Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency' has been read every year since the very early part of this century.

11. I was an anti-globalist of the communist/socialist persuasion for a number of years. Before uni. It was borne out of a pure desire.

12. I am much too sarcastic for my own good. Frequently. But definitely without a hint of malice. Thus I do enjoy the talents of the likes of Jack Dee and Eddie Izzard.

13. Sometimes I think that there might actually be no blood in my veins, only salt water. No matter how badly or how well my life is going, when I sit by the ocean, everything is better. And God, closer.

14. I'm an artist. But I love quantum physics. And I was in the chess club. I still have moments of monumental nerd-dom. And my God seems to have painted fractals into everything.

15. I'm never going to retire, because I'm always going to love what I do. There's no room in life for regret.

16. I was born in Fiji, moved to Aussie when I was 1yr old. I went to 9 different primary schools and 3 high schools, due to moving around (Australia) so often for my dad's job (draftsman). During this time, I also lived in Malaysia for 3 wonderful, dark, significant years. And I wholeheartedly appreciate my parents moving us around so often and implanting in me the insatiable travel bug and appreciation of people and culture.

17. I'm no good at arguing. I always seem to lose my thread and motivation to continue.

18. I have been debating for years, whether or not to just go for it and get dreads. It's the whole shaving-my-head-and-subsequ

ently-getting-a-bad-afro part that impinges on these thoughts.

19. I ought to be a much better guitar player than I am, however, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm just incredibly lazy in this area. I still dream of playing the drums (kit and hand drums), sita, cello and violin one day.

20. I used to make mixed tapes for people, but have only recently met kindred spirits who not only appreciate and understand, but also took part in this art-form.

21. I think a life lived without awareness and embodiment of Beauty, Love and Passion is not really life.

22. I spent 9 years (not consecutive) dilly-dallying in the Australian university education system. I can write an essay on just about anything off the top of my head. Without doing the required readings. Skills for life, eh? I almost took political science instead of nursing.

23. I would love to own a two-tone kombi microbus with safari windows.

24. Air-conditioners make me feel nauseated. Including the ones in shopping malls.

25. Every day, it becomes increasingly clear, as it infuses every part of me, that I have the Love I've always dreamed of.

true love goes beyond romance

2009-10-06T23:55:00.003+11:00

I remember reading once,
something to the effect of...
"..anything worth having is worth fighting for.."

I'm learning to love.
still learning.

God has sent certain people in my life
who are a large part of these lessons.
they are the most challenging and most
difficult relationships
only because they demand a deeper level
of heart, of vulnerability, of commitment...

these are the best.

I guess if you hold back your heart
you will never really know how much love can be
and heal and extend you and move nations..

God is Love
and the word multi-faceted
doesn't even begin to describe Him.
how much more is Love beyond what we see
think hear believe or experience.
God has been really opening up my eyes
to the More that He is.
the more that He has.
Just blowing the edges of my mind with how much
we don't even realise that He is and has for us!

and I guess like this song says
love isn't a fight, it's something to fight for.
hmm.

"We love because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19

it's our motivation,
our goal,
our reason,
our essence.
because we were made in His image.

hmm just processing 'out loud'..

I heard something great from Heidi Baker today
that is so true!!
"..intimacy is the goal ...fruit happens!"
shaka!

I am my Beloved's
and His passion is for me.

I took another personality test today
(took a spiritual gifts test recently)
since I didn't really pay too much attention
when we took them in psych class at uni.

I am already quite introspective,
as I guess is apparent through my writing.
after taking the test again.. I think that
I understand some things a little better about myself
and the way I relate to other people,
the way I relate to God and also the way I view the world.

perhaps I won't share the results just now...
..haha!
still processing a lot of it.
interesting, though.

I am feeling a little under the weather at the moment.
feels like a slightly bad cold.

pianos and piercings

2009-10-04T15:54:00.004+11:00

I'm off to the city with my bestest friend
to watch the rugby.
I am not a fan, but she loves it and I love her..
haha

only thing is.. it's raining
it's been raining almost non stop since yesterday
and I am.. without adequate protection..
..no brolly!!

anyhow.. I tweaked some of the features on my blog
and spent some time in photoshop
we'll see how long it is until I get tired of it LOL

I guess this is the reason I never got a tattoo
-- I would get tired of the same thing over and over.
I used to want my arms tattooed in black and grey
one 3/4 and one 1/4 length...
I might still get a small one somewhere

but it always has to have a meaning.
I only pierced my ears and nose to represent something
significant that happened.
No nose ring anymore,
wanted a vertical labret until a few weeks ago
now contemplating a horizontal eyeborw piercing.
we shall see.
lol

ok I'm off to brave the elements and just chill.

the ramblings of an ex-insomniac... 3am australian eastern standard time

2009-10-04T03:33:00.008+11:00

I worked an evening shift tonight..
and still haven't quite rested since
getting back from the base, just been working.
I am tired,
but now I find it's 3:30am and I am awake.

I am a little stoked.. and apprehensive.
it's only a few more weeks til I leave this place.
I officially go back to YWAM in mid-January,
however I will be going up to Brisvegas
for a wedding, to spend Christmas with my best friend
and her family and do some training for DTS staffing.

Yay! I get to be in the lovely humid Brisbane summer weather!!
this is like a death sentence to a lot of people
but I am stoked.
I used to live in Malaysia and became
quite fond of the humidity.
I am a strange one.

it's a little weird to think that I am leaving soon
every other time I've gone to YWAM
I've always had something tying me back here
-- mostly uni.. but I've graduated now
and it's time for me to be me,
and to stop living in that limbo, torn between
desperately wanting to live my life and
not wanting to disappoint my parents.
but that time is over now.

my parents are not so stoked about me going to YWAM
and forsaking a career..
..they'll get it one day.
I know they wonder at my strange existence.

I found my copy of The Shack today.
I have read half of it, and today on my break at work
I opened it up randomly
and read something that really struck my heart.
when I first started reading it,
I found him to be a little tedious.
and as I read I found myself growing
more and more impatient with him...

...only to discover that I see so much of myself
in the attitudes and reactions of the main character.
I will start reading it again from the beginning.
and we will see what happens.

I really hope my boss doesn't call me to work tomorrow
I just need to rest.

I want to sit in my favourite spot
the place that I sit when no one but me is at home
by the back door, at the dining table
and this rain we've been having is so beautiful
so inspiring to me.

dance that hope to my heart

2009-10-03T14:02:00.004+10:00

this might sound silly and little-girlish
but I just want to run away with God.
He's so beautiful
sometimes it hurts,
in the light of my heart,
but He always astounds
and moves me
and though I have to dig for More of Him
it's worth it.

when I read His heart,
I remember Who He is
and Why I am.
and my heart feels that newly familiar
sense of somewhat intangible hope
that reverberates through my being
and quietly whispers smiles and love
beyond anything imagined or sung of
in any moment this universe has seen.

behold You have come
over the hills
upon the mountain
to me You have run
my Beloved
You've captured my heart

won't You dance with me
oh Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

with You I will go
You are my Love
You are my Fair One
the winter has passed
and the spring time has come

won't You dance with me
h Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

romance me
oh Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

[ ~ jesus culture ]

only the thirsty drink deep

2009-10-03T13:33:00.006+10:00

I feel like there is this sort.. well.. wall between me and God.
It's not huge, but it's enough for me to feel an absence.
of intimacy.
I am in a strange desert wilderness.
God is still speaking, but it's like
He wants me to seek
to really dig for His water

'only the hungry dine
only the thirsty drink deep'

so that means I have to keep pressing in

this photo is a self portrait from nikolinelr on flickr
it's so beautiful and something in me connects with it
identifies with it.
so often we spend too much time looking at ourselves
when we really ought to be looking at Him.

Originally uploaded by nikolinelr

but I find myself sometimes thinking
why me LORD?
why Love?
and lately..
how can You stand me?

but I guess that's where we learn to
put ourselves aside,
all our pride and arrogance disguising as humility
and realise that His Grace is the How
and His heart is the Why.
it's The Blood.

I'm tired, in a way.
I just want to rest in Him.

just random thoughts and a little
of what's happening in me lately.

I can't understand
this work of grace
how a perfect God
would come and take my place
the stars, they don’t move You
the waves, can’t undo You
the mountains, and their splendor
they cannot steal Your heart.

this God, who is Holy
perfect in Beauty
awesome in Glory
is ravished by my heart

though I am poor
You say I am lovely
though I am dark
You say I am beautiful

somehow my weakness
has overwhelmed You
somehow my weak love
it has stolen away Your heart

[ ~ sarah edwards ]

ps. thankyou Shannon for reading so faithfully..
you're right, it's awesome to find like-hearted people :)

my hands are covered in blood and oil and leaves

2009-10-01T12:51:00.003+10:00

so these are letters from the battlefront.
sometimes the days are dark
and the victory, far off.

but in everything, our King,
Hislove endures
and His Blood won it all.

so I keep fighting.
I keep falling
deeper into Grace that I don't understand
and further into Rest
under His wing.

I take up His sword and He is my shield.
and I fight in the most efective way..
..

I worship.
With all that I am.

these warriors were born to fight fiercely and worship intimately

2009-10-01T12:48:00.003+10:00

My voice is the sound of a thousand bells
Hear me nations, Hear Israel

My song is the water of the purest well
Hear me heaven, Fear me hell

My dance carries thunder from the throne of Yah
Look at me and know He is God

Let our praises rise like a weapon in Your hand
Let our praises rise Oh God
Let our praises rise like a weapon in Your hand
Let our praises rise Oh God

My hands hold the cure for every disease
They're covered in blood and oil and leaves

My laughter and tears create things unseen
Atmosphere changes, God released

My worship is armed with spirit and truth
Sacred, accepted, pleasing to You

God of eternity, wonders and majesty
God of all nations, uncharted galaxies
God who is Spirit, alive in me

my leaves are dancing

2009-09-29T21:18:00.007+10:00

.. so God's been reminding me
that it's He who is the one fighting for me
I just have to keep worshipping Him.
in spirit and in truth.

no matter how I feel
or what disgusting past filth
the enemy is trying to drag out of my heart
and throw back in my face,
God is still God
Jesus' Blood covered it all completelte
and He is still
Worth Everything.

He's so patient.
and He still loves.
I am continually amazed by His grace.
"I am dark yet beautiful"
-- in my ugliness and weakness
and broken state, covered in filth,
because of Jesus' blood,
I am beautiful and lovely in His sight.

He is the High Priest of Bliss
Worthy Holy Wonderful
Ever-Loving

and He wants to dance with me.

today I just felt so broken
trying to figure out what God wanted me to do
how would I get through this?
so many times life just seems
to be too hard,
the things the devil throws at me,
far too strong.
I felt so beaten down
so ready to give in.

just then, my best friend leaned down to me,
as I lay on the bed
she kissed me tenderly on the cheek
and whispered,
'Jesus wants to be so close to you.
That close.
Closer.'

it was so beautiful and
my heart just wept.
.. and my eyes leaked..
every tear a desperate cry for God
for Grace.
caught somewhere between reality and unbelief..

really..
The King of all the heavens,
Who breathed the universe into existence
wants to be that close to me.
To Me.

how can I not but
fall at His feet
and give Him everything?

consumed

2009-09-29T12:19:00.009+10:00

I feel like I am sinking.

suffocating.

I can barely breathe.

God has been really turning up the heat and

demanding more of my heart.

it's what I wanted, what I asked for

but the things of the past won't let me go so easily.

so much ugliness pain darkness evil filth

sin

is being thrown in my face

things I once did

things I want to do

sin really is a seduction.

sometimes I feel as though I were formed in the very pit of hell.

but God keeps speaking His amazing grace

that I was made in His image

and Jesus' blood really is enough.

to stop the devil from robbing me

over and over.

so I am learning to stand and to fight

and not accept these things as

the the dictating tune of my life anymore

I feel like I am dying..

almost physically.

but perhaps that is the right way

for me to die so that I can live in truth.

God is establishing truth and it's hard

because I've believed lies for so very long!

The amazing thing about Grace... is Grace.

I feel so heavy, but God is still God

and He still deserves everything I am

and everything I have

to be worshipped in spirit and truth,

no matter how I feel or what I see

He is truth and He never changes.

as Cynthia says,

feed yourself on the Word of God

or you'll feed off the lies of the devil

but I won't let go.

and He won't let me go.

'..what can I do with my obsession
with the things I cannot see
there's a madness in my being
it's the wind that blows the trees

sometimes You're further than the moon
sometimes You're closer than my skin
You surround me like a winter fog
You come and burn me with a kiss

..and my heart burns for You..

and oh forever
keep me burning
with the fire of Your Love..'

the Place where we are Destined To Live

2009-09-21T17:33:00.010+10:00

I've been thinking a lot
and God's been speaking a lot..
about worship.
and missions.
and people.

last night it occurred to me..
I felt almost ripped off when I thought back to
the paradigm of God I was taught when growing up
..and now.. I feel like the normal place of the church
is to be that LoveDrunk LoveSick bride
who worships like there it's the last chance she'll ever get
corporately.. and individually.

it all starts in that secret place of intimacy with God.
I remember something Bill Johnson once said..
something to the effect of..
I can stand here, pray for people, impart things in the Spirit..
but the one thing I can't impart is my secret history with God.

So true. Those are the richest times in one's life
but they are also the times that must be sought after
and fought for and cultivated and decided upon by each person.
God put so much potential in all of us.. eternity in our hearts,
but it's up to us to choose to place ourselves on the road that
will get us to the realisation of it all.

God is calling His people into deep deep intimacy
like never before.
Places of His soul that He has been just dying to show us.
and when we learn to get in that place,
the overflow can't help but pour and pour and pour
into other people's lives.

It's not about programs or trendy music..
it's about fully surrendered hearts..
death to self.
people who are willing to let God have His way.
My friend Cynthia said it best -
worship is whatever God wants, When God wants it.

Phil Mason said it good when he referenced Heidi Baker
saying that the only way she can do what she does,
day in and day out, loving people
the hurt, the dying, the broken, the sick..
is to live in that place of ecstacy and intimacy with God.
that other realm where what Paul wrote about
in the new testament, becomes really real.
Joy in the midst of suffering.
the realm of supernatural God-ecstacy.

I just want to love God with absolutely everything I am
hold nothing back...
and love people like Jesus does.

banana

2009-09-19T17:54:00.004+10:00

so.. being home is a little ...surreal..
feels like a whole different world.
I guess when I was at the base last year,
on staff, my heart was still one foot out the door
in a way
especially as I was still at uni
and terrified to commit to anything.

there is a sweet breeze sitting lightly upon the air
dancing and moving my t-shirt as I type.
the hint of winter is still clinging to life, whispering
that rememberance before it begins its journey
across the pond, as spring announces summer's entrance
like a dear old friend long since gone...

I'm going to the city tonight
to see old drinking friends I've not seen in a long while.
By drinking friends, I mean other people
who love getting drunk in the Holy Spirit!

but today.. I feel like I'm almost walking in a dreamland.
in a nice way.
today is a day for deep thoughts and considerations.
I have been thinking about many things
since being home.

there shall be more.
but tonight, I dance.

fill me up God

2009-09-15T14:04:00.011+10:00

so.. my posts have been few and far between of late

there has been much contemplation and re-evaluation of things

after all the stuff at work and just feeling so squished

and heavy from all the spiritual attacks,

I went back to the YWAM base to just get away and think through

things and yes, re-evaluate a lot.

My life, particularly.

I currently do not enjoy nursing at all and I feel like

it's such a waste of my time in its current context.

I know that I am meant to be in missions right now and

it becomes more and more evident as the days pass.

God is slowly revealing His destiny for me and

narrowing is down more, so that is something!

I prayed and realised that I am always so drawn to

the DTS students on my base

I just love talking to them, seeing them grow

and so.. decided it was time for me to staff a DTS.

to get in there and impart and train and give of the

abundance that God has given to me and see young people

meet God like they never have before,

to see them absolutely ruined for anything but all of Him..

.. and thus I am staffing my first DTS in Feb 2010.

It is the Outback to Safari school, which is a mobile DTS

and is focused on indigenous ministry in Australia and

then goes to South Africa for a large part of the outreach phase.

I am a little nervous, but I am so stoked!

I almost wish it was february already..

I also ended up doing some graphic work for the base

while I was there, which I enjoyed a whole lot.

I am going home this afternoon, back to my parents' place

to get ready.

to leave.

I'll throw most of my stuff out,

since I don't really have anywhere for it anymore

and relinquished my room to my younger brother.

I don't know what the future holds

I don't even know how I will pay my staff or outreach fees

but God is still on the throne and I know I am going His way

so what can I do, but trust Him?

He gave me this verse last week

when it was all caving in on me ...

I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.

From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do

~Isaiah 46:10

and when I just sit and think back over all the things

God has said to me, about me, about my life..

far out.

He has been reminding me a lot lately

of His promises,

and how He is the God who brings them to pass.

Not one of His words falls to the ground void and useless.

Awright!

I do miss my family and I miss my neighbourhood somewhat.

I look forward to some nice warm days in the city

drinking coffee and watching the water,

enjoying a few more weeks off before I come back

full time staffing DTS for 6 months.

after that.. who knows where God will lead me?

Over the past few days, I've had these moments

of just absolute joy and peace like I've never experienced

and they crop up when I think about my life

and where I am going even in the very near future.

this morning in base worship I found myself thinking about it

and talking to God.. and it feels as if..

God is showing me more of who I am,

that the way I see myself is nowhere near the way He sees me

this person I am in these moments of joy

is not who I am now,

but I know deep down that it's who I want to be

and it's like my heart already knows this woman.

and the woman who is on display now.. her time is coming to an end

she was built on lies and pain and brokenness

but the redeemed of the LORD shall return!

the other night we were in the prayer room,

worshipping hard out and I felt God take me

to another level in worship.. I'm so stoked and also so

humbled and just.. wow God!!

learning so much more about abandonment and surrender

and what it means to lay it all down and pour out

everything on Him.

God has been speaking a lot lately also,

concerning the heart of my base's ministry -

we are Island Breeze, which is a ministry within YWAM:

Within the international ministry of YWAM, Island Breeze focuses on issues of restoration and redemption of peoples and their culture – ‘To know God and make him known through His inherent gifts and expressions within the nations’.

God has been showing me such beauty in the indigenous cultures

mine included, as well as the indigenous of this land (Australia).

over the last 2 years and very lately, the native people of North America.

I'm amazed and humbled and overjoyed at the treasures He has

placed within us all.

and just how amazing they are when they are redeemed in Jesus' blood

and the way they all fit together to bring Him glory.

He is taking me deeper,

challenging me to go there

to swim and play and drown in His river.

Die to myself

to live in Him.

I want to live that life obsessed with Jesus

ready to lay down everything no matter what

just because He is worth it all

and people are worth that much to Him.

With holiness that hurts the eyes.

That makes demons scream in shopping centres.

To walk with that fire and passion that moves kingdoms

and shakes eternity.

Deep calling to deep.

..many thoughts, many things to ponder..

So this guy comes up to me and says:
'what’s the vision? What’s the big idea?'
I open my mouth and words come out like this:

The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to lose,
that they might one day win
the great ‘Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is disciplined.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain”.

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs.
Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death, kill them?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

Inside.

On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.

Don’t you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdos! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.

How do I know?

Because this is the longing of creation itself,
the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great ‘Amen!’ from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

[~ The Vision, Peter Grieg 24-7 Prayer]

what's so amazing about grace?

2009-08-31T20:28:00.005+10:00

so the blogosphere has not seen me in a while, nor I, it.

here's the short story:

1. had some troubles at work

2. went to the base for some comfort, prayer & time to let God guide me

3. ended up doing some graphic work for the base directors

4. loved it.

5. went to brisbane with the DTS and prayer ministry to do an impartation visit to another base which went amazingly!

6. God is really turning & churning & stirring & shaking my life my heart & all I know! And it really hurts! But I'm daily amazed anew, at His grace.

7. I am coming back to YWAM full time in Jan 2010, starting with staffing my first DTS. Can't wait!

elaboration to come (most likely!)

somewhere in between

2009-08-13T14:50:00.006+10:00

God's still breaking and moulding me.
Terribly sore at times but gooood.

work was rough last week,
but God showed Himself so faithful
I didn't want to be alone anymore
so I came to the base
and ended up getting some work done, which is good.
I've been at the base doing some graphic design work
and this time it didn't make me want to poke my eyes out.
Yay LORD! haha

yesterday it was our regular intercession and fasting day,
but we also had a 12hour prayer time (rotating)
which was off the hook.
I got to lead worship for the beginning and end session
and man, God moved hard out.
so humbling!
Got new revelation of intimacy with God.
Goooooooooood.

I got to sit in on part of a DTS lecture today on destiny.
And was reminded once again of what God's
been speaking a lot lately,
just about pursuing character over giftings and even anointing.
good word.
lots of thinking and processing happening.

So I am coming back to IBSydney on staff next January
beginning with staffing a DTS in early Feb.
I'm stoked.. but I wonder what the rest of this year holds.

Been feeling for a bit now...
there is a change coming.
A significant one.
I might not like it and generally I'm not huge on change,
bu I'm getting better and feel like God is really preparing me
for things to come.
In my closest friendships, ministry and my walk with Him.

kia kaha

2009-08-06T18:00:00.005+10:00

God's bringing up heart issues of late
deep ones.
feels like my soul & heart are being shredded
beyond all recognition..
but maybe that's the point.

it feels like too much to take.

today I was at work and fear was all over me
I felt a bunch of unclean spirits and demons
standing around taunting me
I could almost see them.

So I did the only thing I knew...
...declared Who God is and Who I am in Him.
immediately better.

ha!

He is still God & He is fighting for me.

kia kaha
kia toa
be strong
be brave

gardens & butterflies

2009-07-31T13:01:00.004+10:00

when I was a little girl
I loved playing in the garden,
climbing trees and imagining a whole
different world under the bushes and flowers
between the blades of grass
and amongst the water of the sprinkler
inhabited by ladybugs, butterflies and tiny people
a colourful world that was so alive
in my imagination.

I guess I've always been a daydreamer
When I was 12, we moved to a house that had a large backyard
which had vine-covered arches and
twisting secret paths to delight any girl.

today I was thinking about how much I'd love to
sit in my secret garden again.
my current backyard is sparse at best,
but my imagination is overflowing still.

bearing the marks of His love

2009-07-15T23:33:00.012+10:00

feels like a while since I've posted something
more than a video or a paragraph, hehe
feeling much better today,
though admittedly, I sat up in the kitchen this afternoon
and it seemed to be the hardest thing ever.
after an hour, I had to go back and have a sleep
before my head imploded!
small steps.

being sick in bed with nothing but God and
my laptop full of Drinking Music [like this]
has given me a lot of time to think and ponder and wonder.

so maybe I've blogged these thoughts and concepts
previously..
but.. so what?

this year has been so full of pain and heartache with all of the
things that God has been pulling to the surface..
..and so full of beauty and love
as He pours His healing balm over me and mends the dark
and broken places of my soul.

and in the midst of all that I began to lose sight of His heart
in that intimate way.
it became a struggle to keep my head above the water
when I really ought to have stopped fighting,
let me head sink down under
and let Him turn the water into my air
let myself be drowned and submerged in His love
and in His grace.

amid all my pain and suffering through this bad flu
over the last week
as I said, I was challenged by my girl Steph,
to enjoy God in it all, no matter how bad it all felt.
I found myself rejoicing and laughing at how Good God is
haha shaka, come on!

So here I am, bearing the marks of His love
He reminded me, in all that pain
of His heart.
His heart is the treasure that I am seeking.
I found myself back in my favourite book,
Song of Songs
and reading over the love-drunk words
of intimacy and passion
and seeing over again just how much
He searches for my heart.
just how much He is passiontely seeking me.

one time, when I was feeling particularly
worthless and hopeless
My Lover told me that
He would chase me through eternity if He had to,
just to be with me.
Not because He is incomplete without me,
but because He made me and wants to be with me.
WOW.

when I think of His heart and the amazing things therein
I feel so excited at the pleasure to be found there
in that secret place.
just You and Me alone, God.

it's from that place of intimacy and
love and passion
for God's heart
that all other things flow.
intercession, mission, warfare
it all starts there and ends there.

and the more I seek His heart,
the more I find it.
and the more I find it,
the deeper in love I fall.
God wants lovesick and love drunk followers
people who love Him that much
that they'll die to themselves and do anything
that's what brings out His deep deep love

the love that moves the earth
and changes eternity
one heart at a time.
sometimes more than one at a time! haha

More LORD, I want more of You.
More of Your heart.

I'm so in love with a Warrior God.

O LORD I need You

Capture me again

Steal me away

Take me deeper to Your heart

Surround me with Your love

And hold me close

And never let me go

So close that I can feel Your every breath

Until my heart begins to dance with Yours

Never let me go

Won’t You take me to a new place

To a realm of mercy and grace

Where love

Love flows heavy

Like a waterfall of honey

Let Your love be poured out on me

Overcome me

~ waterfall [united pursuit band]

love endures all things

2009-07-15T18:30:00.003+10:00

Hang my locket around your neck,
wear my ring on your finger.
Love is invincible facing danger and death.
Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.
The fire of love stops at nothing—
it sweeps everything before it.
Flood waters can't drown love,
torrents of rain can't put it out.
Love can't be bought, love can't be sold—
it's not to be found in the marketplace.

~ Song of Solomon 8:6-8 [the message]

love that moves eternity

2009-07-13T23:22:00.002+10:00

High Priest of Bliss

2009-07-11T19:15:00.008+10:00

I've been very very sick for the past 2 days
feels like a spiritual attack
but God is still for me
and the battle isn't mine to fight, it's His.
So I'm resting.

and last week I was diagnosed with sciatica
due to a spinal disc herniation, pressing on the nerve.

but God still knows...
I'm learning to enjoy God amid the pain in my body
and keep my eyes on Him
He is so joyful, how can I not be?
He's the High Priest of Bliss, as my girl Steph says!

mangoes and moonbeams and cherry trees

2009-06-29T21:09:00.005+10:00

here is a song I wrote
uploaded it for a friend, but hey
why not stick it on my blog haha
I wrote it about me and God
walking together
and me missing the summertime

and after putting no photos of myself on here
[well, none of my face]
now you not only get to see me, but hear me sing!

film buff

2009-06-28T14:14:00.009+10:00

I can't wait to see some good movies
there are some beautiful ones out already and
coming out soon... and I'm excited for the French ones.
I adore French cinema.
I haven't been to Dendy in so very long...
the one in Newtown is my favourite!
I love going to the movies alone, like one of my friends
however, sometimes it's nice to share the experience.
especially with someone who will appreciate the
exquisite beauty in the details with me.

here are two I particularly want to see.

this darkness will turn to light

2009-06-26T12:57:00.001+10:00

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun

2009-06-25T19:07:00.005+10:00

this poem always intrigued me...
reminds me of parts of my childhood...
...and I still don't like oysters haha

__________________________

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

~ lewis carroll

stormy kind of love

2009-06-23T20:01:00.007+10:00

went to church on sunday
was so good
drank deep of God.
I led worship, after such a long time.
went with my best friend.

Learnt more about real love
and the pain that fear can cause in this area...
..And just how faithful He is.
Real Love endures through all things and keeps hoping.

We visited the Sunday markets @ The Rocks
on the way to church...
it was such a pretty rainy day.

the soundtrack for
Love In The Time Of Cholera
is amazing.

Sigh.. that movie rekindled some old dreams
of adventure and exploration
and ...

envelopes of verse

2009-06-22T22:45:00.004+10:00

over the last year, I have been attempting to
learn to play the djembe.
I caught a little of The Visitor tonight
[praise God for cable tv, haha]
I plan on watching it in its entirety tomorrow..
its a beautiful movie.
this scene particularly, caught my eye
Beautiful.

now I am watching Love In The Time of Cholera.
I started reading it at uni last year
but studies and other things got in the way
and I never did finish it.
I found it to be beautifully written...

last tango

2009-06-17T23:55:00.002+10:00

things that made me smile today

- '2 Days in Paris'.. I never get tired of that movie or Julie Delpy
- loyalty & sacrificial love that I guess I didn't expect
- molten chocolate cake in a mug, with passionfruit yoghurt ice cream

with fear & trembling

2009-06-16T21:03:00.016+10:00

my crusty-as shoes.. they need a wash. new ones would be better!

herself

spent the day with my best friend at Manly:
it was her birthday.
I wanted to do more for her..
we didn't do anything spectacular,
but she seemed so glad to just be with me.
that moved my heart so much.

learning to love hurts.
I mean real love.
I may be reiterating a former post,
but it seems to be the theme at the moment.

I am so afraid of the past and of myself due to the past
that it hinders me from growing at times
and moves me to hurt people when I don't mean to
by holding back so much from them
and always hesitating to go deeper.
Hearts are such delicate things,
yet fierce and tenacious and stronger than they may seem.

I learnt to love a little deeper and a little harder this weekend.
I felt like it was tearing me apart,
but taking that step was really tearing me away
from the old and the misconceptions
and the fears of the future.
fears that the pain of the past has created a dirty impure
monster inside me that will feed off and ruin
any love offered to me.
or that no love will ever be enough to encompass me
and all my failings.
and all my longings.

as hard as it is to learn to love,
it's directly connected to accepting love.
He took me deeper into that this weekend also.

I am so scared to love and be loved for me
but ironically, that is all I really want.
It's all any of us really want, I guess.
sometimes it feels so dark
but He.. He is not afraid of it
neither is He too small to conquer it and
move mountains, planets, oceans and stars to save me.

My amazing friends, my family,
they remind me that I am lovable
and that helps me also to accept
the love and affections of my Heart's Eternal Lover.
and in turn, love them too.

what a beautiful circle of intimacy.

so with fear, trembling & trepidation
screaming in my ears that this is a bad idea,
I move. I step closer to Him
and learn what it means to surrender.

My Lover, He is so faithful
and beyond Beautiful.
Deeply.
and His essence actually is love.
its not just something He does.
it's what He is.

wow. that was an honest post.

This doubt is screaming in my face
In this familiar place
Sheltered and concealed
And if this night won't let me rest
Don't let me second guess
What I know to be real
Put away all I know for tonight
And maybe I just might
Learn to let it go
Take my security from me
And maybe finally
I won't have to know everything

I am falling into grace
To the unknown to where you are
And faith makes everybody scared
It's the unknown, the don't-know
That keeps me hanging on and on and on to you

I got nothing left to defend
I cannot pretend
That everything makes sense
But does it really matter now
If I do not know how
To figure this thing out

Trying to fit these pieces in
Walking on a cloud of dust to
Get to you

I am falling into grace
To the unknown to where you are
And faith makes everybody scared
It's the unknown, the don't-know
That keeps me hanging on and on and on to You

~ Lifehouse

sweet cherry bomb

2009-06-04T23:55:00.005+10:00

things that made me smile today

:: calling a dear friend on the eve of her birthday
:: dreaming of and craving cherries & strawberries
:: learning to walk into healing with my Eternal Lover
holding my hand

I am my Beloved's
and He is mine.

before the cool done run out...

2009-06-04T01:03:00.003+10:00

this song still makes me ridiculously happy
whenever I hear it.
And it reminds me of 2 of my closest,
most cherished friends,
one of whom leaves this morning
and won't be back until january.
sigh.

Last Daze

2009-06-02T15:36:00.004+10:00

yesterday was the last day I got to spend with one of
my best friends, before she leaves to go home
later this week.
It was beautiful - a day by the beach
despite the overcast conditions,
with some of our other heart friends.
and some pretty things in my city.

a very obscured view of the light show on the sails of the opera house

a pretty light display in the city

an interesting installation in the city..

carrying moonbeams home in a jar

2009-05-31T18:00:00.002+10:00

I've had this song in my head all afternoon!
lovely!

and just because she's completely awesome...

on a white sandy beach

2009-05-31T16:16:00.010+10:00

I felt inspired to play my ukulele today,
after so very long
[check out the dust!!]
since it's a Hawaiian instrument
(this particular model)
I gave it a Hawaiian name
'Kauanoe' - the misty rain

one of my favourite songs from one of my favourite artists

my lovely Kauanoe

so dusty!!

music seems to sound happier & lighter on a ukulele

things that made me smile today
- putting clean sheets on my bed &
dreaming of how good they will feel @ bedtime
- brushing my teeth
- playing 'first day of my life' on kauanoe
- the smells of my dad's minestrone soup

bloggystuff

2009-05-31T00:49:00.003+10:00

my blog is undergoing renovations.
trying to make a new header
this one is interim...
and I love my new background!
but the current header makes it all look way too pink now!!

2 musos I love

2009-05-30T12:34:00.007+10:00

friday never hesitates

2009-05-29T23:55:00.004+10:00

I tried to finish the painting today,
but no such luck.
I ended up painting over it all
about 3 times.

and I am blank.
I mean.. I just have to hit that one point
where it all crystallises and clarity ensues.
Soon.

I need some Posca Paint pens
I first encountered them in year 5
and ever since, they have held a special place in my heart
the kind where voices are hushed and awe
is all around
haha.. I know.
nerdy or what. they are just pens after all
to some, perhaps.
to me, they are completely amazing.

so now I just need to find some.
I don't recall seeing any for a long time in newsagents, etc
I really don't feel like traipsing all over Sydney for them.
on a vaguely related note,
I know what I want to give a friend for Christmas.

Some Beautiful Things

1. eating dinner with my ma, just the 2 of us, and just talking.

2. rediscovering my love for posca pens & getting stoked on
all the things I dream I'm going to paint.

3. uplifting words from a dear friend.. and someone I consider
to be a mentor of sorts.

and this song... always makes me smile

a day in the life of pictures

2009-05-27T21:46:00.009+10:00

strands of my ma's fijian broom

some of my favourite passages and my beautiful bookmark from a very dear friend

the beginnings of a painting that has to be finished soon

a tangle of old quilling paper

what I'm reading

I liked the way they looked in the bowl

some of my currently homeless & displaced art supplies

old dried paint in one of my palettes

part of one of my old paintings, which I was reacquainted with this week at a friend's house, where it lives on her living room wall

turn my water into wine

2009-05-26T21:11:00.009+10:00

I hate those days when
there is so much to say
but when you are standing right in front
of the person you meant to
speak these words of love and beauty and joy to...
...your breath catches in your throat and
your heart panics at the thought of being seen
that clearly...
..and yet, all you want is to be seen that deeply.
to be Known and loved for everything
that's found there

It happened to me today.
sigh.
learning to trust is so hard sometimes.
and regret sucks.

so.. just because I can...
here are My 5BT since last week:

1. long, warm cuddles.

2. feeling that deep deep craving for more of God
while going through my day. I could barely finish
peeling the potatoes at one stage, I just wanted to drop it all
& sit at His feet.

3. falling into the arms of dear friends when
things feel so rough, knowing I'm falling into
the arms of Jesus.

4. my first taste of pumpkin crunch cake,
made by her, with Love.

5. standing in the truth, especially when
it feels like a lie.

my soul can't dance without You

2009-05-21T20:41:00.010+10:00

I haven't been blogging lately, due to a really bad cold
knocked me for a six and I was out for over a week.
Still not feeling fully better, but at least I'm not in bed anymore.

at the beginning of this year, God said He was
going to to teach me to fight
and boy has He.
to learn one has to practice, right?
well, I've had a lot of things to practice with.

it's all worth it in the end.
the darkest of nights is always worth
the radiant dawn to follow.
so, I press on and keep my eyes on Jesus
even when things feel blurred and
truth is all topsy-turvy,
He's still worth it.
He's still Love beyond all imagination.

I want to be found faithful.

He's been restoring so much to my broken bleeding heart.
Opening up old scar tissue that I just wanted to ignore.
The kind that is still beating and red and torn
just under the surface.
Gently washing it clean and fighting away the darkness
as He holds me in His arms.
A love I cannot understand,
no matter how hard I try.
I just want to be Lost in Him.
____________

I have missed blogging my 3BT,
so here are my 10BT lately, to make up for time lost.

1. walking along a beautiful beach with 2 people who
embody beauty and love to me.

2. songs that move, shake, mould and break me.
The kind that come straight down from heaven and through
amazing hearts that are in constant pursuit of His heart.

3. walking in the grey, shadowy light of a rainy day,
drinking in the beauty of the fallen amber leaves at my feet
strewn along the path, just for me.

4. siting alone and feeling the brokenness of my heart and
the impending despair that was once such a close
and constant companion, and crying so hard
that I feel my eyes will fall out into my hands,
only to have my Lover say, I'm with you. I cry every tear with you.

5. the pure joy and simplicity of a bento box and green tea.
each bite taking me to new heights of gladness and grinning
like an idiot in the restauran while people look at me and
wonder, what's so great?

6. that joyful moment when the phone rang,
and a precious embodiment of love in my life spoke to me.
I'd been waiting all day for them to call!

7. the restoration of hope in my heart and life.

8. the contrast of colours in nature and people
as the weather turns colder and winter descends
to wrap us in its wonder.

9. feeling the pain in my leg subside, even for a little while
and knowing that it's already healed no matter my experience,
because my Lover heals every disease every time.

10. the ability to give love and to accept love.
and through that, to learn the deeper, mysterious
aspects of its wonder and power.

and one more Beautiful Thing

11. meeting someone who can make me blush,
but not in an embarrassing or gross way. Pure.
I love that.

spatial intelligence

2009-05-08T23:49:00.006+10:00

so I haven't been out to my new painting area
since I set it up the other day.
but today my dad came home, visited my site
and declared that he now had no way of reaching
his tools and whatnot, so everything had to move
haha!
sigh.. ah well.
it was a little too cramped anyhow.

it's not just for painting.. it's for all my arty
and creative stuff.
in the end, a dusty garage is not really that suitable.
sigh!

I'm thinking of buying one of those bunks from IKEA
where instead of a bed on the bottom section, it's a desk.
it would come in marvellously handy
and open up my room a little.

but I don't fancy climbing up and down
onto that bed.
I've spent a large portion of my life
sleeping on the top bunk of a bed..
maybe I'm over it?
haha yes I think I am.
and yet I'm still cramped and without an Area.
hmmm.
what to do.

powerful

2009-05-08T18:55:00.002+10:00

paint & spitfires

2009-05-07T22:57:00.009+10:00

i got my nursing registration today!
i'm all official now.
and it was all only by the grace of God.
wow. uni is really over now.
onto the next adventure I say!

so I finally found a spot for my painting adventures to be based.
it's in the garage, surrounded by my dad's
tools, model-making paraphernalia and dust.
it's a little cramped
but cosy in that hardware kind of way.

forgive the dodgy resolution,
left my camera @ a friend's and used my phone for these

i'm dreaming of my solid wood paint box
which is to come really soon

I am dark yet Lovely

2009-05-06T21:43:00.006+10:00

some things are quite rough to deal with
at the moment.
but it's not about me.. it's about God.

I want to live before Your eyes
I want to stay before Your, gaze
So keep me steady here

I want to run the race
I want to keep the faith
Help me win the prize
Of the knowledge of You

I want to be found faithful
I want to be found steady
I want to be found faithful
Until the end

by Justin Rizzo, IHOP

I am dark yet lovely.
In my weakness I am still lovely to God.

carried away

2009-05-06T20:50:00.006+10:00

dark eyes
liquidy grey
apple juice and coffee delight

red and white
paint me down
swirl me round

cloudy sentiments and inane words
melancholy brew
carry me

[ by Losana ]

honey milk wine fire

2009-05-04T21:32:00.002+10:00

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
~ ephesians 3:16-19

all of me
for all of Him.

stand by me

2009-05-04T19:06:00.000+10:00

walking amongst the trees

2009-05-02T12:44:00.002+10:00

here is part of a song
I wrote last week
a few of my favourite lines...

Hand in hand in hand
Feet entwined in the sand
Mangoes and moonbeams and melodies
Making me smile

Breathless glances find a way to make
Dreams come to life
Breathless glances find me a way
To your heart

Whispers and raindrops and cherry trees
Silhouettes of love

anuhea

2009-04-29T13:34:00.008+10:00

this girl is so beautiful
her music her style
so chill and natural
she's part native Hawaiian
and grew up in Maui.

her Hawaiian grandmother had a dream
before she was born, with the name
Anuheake'alaokalokelani,
which means
'the cool fragrance of the heavenly rose'
(which is the Maui flower).

born Rylee Anuheake'alaokalokelani Jenkins
she is known as Anuhea,
which by itself means
'cool breeze'

admittedly, I listened to her music
because I was intrigued by her name.
I love names from the Pacific Islands
(and yes a large part of my blood is Pacifika)
and I especially love names with real meaning
which were given deliberately and
in love.
which is the way I grew up.

enjoy!

my 3BT for today

1. a lovely email from a woman who is closer
than a friend, a sister

2. discovering music that stirs my heart

3. something beautiful today which is yet to come

cocoa & cuddly blankets

2009-04-28T13:27:00.005+10:00

today I woke up
and the sun was shining.
Even though summer is long gone
today is so beautiful.

I get so down at wintertime,
as I feel the cold so easily.
but this year,
I decided it's time to Look.

to see the beauty of God in wintertime
(without snow)
and every sunny day is incredibly
precious to me.
i never want to take one for granted.
even in summer! ha

I've been sick, so lying in bed
listening to Bethel podcasts
and watching Dr Who

sigh. happy simple times.

My 3BT

1. Memories of younger days that are brought
back when I watch Dr Who

2. Feeling that sense of excitement for the future
with no idea what is to come, but just knowing that
my Lover said it will be more than I could dream

3. hope of another beautiful summer to come

time for hot chocolate.

the rescue

2009-04-27T13:31:00.009+10:00

So.. we went to The Rescue event in Sydney on Saturday.
We met at Milson's point and a bunch of us from
YWAM volunteered on the day
(blue shirts - "here to help")
We marched in groups from Milsons Point
to Mrs Macquarie's Chair (where she would pray for Sydney)
then later that night,
to Hyde Park Barracks where we slept.
"slept"

we walked
we laughed
we prayed
we stood out
we worshipped
we stood up
for truth love and justice

you're My Beloved...Lover, I'm yours

2009-04-24T17:06:00.005+10:00

my friend posted these lyrics,
by a band called Tenth Avenue North
amazing.

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery

i dare you to move: Veritas et Aequitas

2009-04-24T14:56:00.010+10:00

I was so close to getting my registration yesterday
but now they need a copy of my year 12 transcript
to see my english exam results.

Year 12.
that was so long ago!
I didn't even finish year 12 in this decade!
sigh.

ok, so my frustration level is peaking,
but as my friend always reminds me...
.. God is still on the throne! haha

tomorrow night I am heading into the city
with some other YWAMmers
to volunteer for the Invisible Children
awareness event (The Rescue)
for the children who are abducted in
Sudan/Uganda/Congo/CAR
for the rebel army.

you can see The Rough Cut here
which gives a background on the organisation
and the plight of these children.
there is an updated video on the site also,
with the current situation
and their blog.

so tomorrow night, in 90 cities around the world,
people will gather for a solemn march and
sleep on the street to bring awareness of these tragedies.

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage.

A dove-house fill'd with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell thro' all its regions.
A dog starv'd at his master's gate
Predicts the ruin of the state.

A horse misused upon the road
Calls to heaven for human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted hare
A fibre from the brain does tear.

A skylark wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.
The game-cock clipt and arm'd for fight
Does the rising sun affright.

~ excerpt from auguries of innocence
by William Blake

merry-go-rounds & sashimi daze

2009-04-22T22:36:00.008+10:00

so tomorrow I will hopefully
be able to put in my application for
my nursing registration.
awright!

sigh, life is still changing...
all things..
work together..
for Good :D
Coz I love Him.

I went to sushi train for the first time on Monday
with some close friends
I am still craving sashimi.

My 3BT for today:

1. Praying for a dear friend and seeing God
touch her heart and find peace in His arms.

2. Holding the hand of another dear friend.

3. Chocolate cake, tea & laughter with my girls.

tiptoeing

2009-04-15T21:29:00.000+10:00

so as you can probably tell,
God has been shaking up my world over
the last few months.
well.. ok.. He's been doing it here and there
for a long time,
but over the last 6 months,
more than usual!

and once again, it all
comes down to Love.

very lately, He's been speaking about
identity and value and love
and how it all encompasses His heart.

I started sorting through boxes today,
preparing to move
and I came across old photos and letters
friends and boyfriends
and a world so old and far removed from my present one
I find myself wondering
who was the girl that owned these things
once upon a time?

there are people in the photos I
haven't spoken to in years
and letters to and from people
who turned out not to be what they had seemed.

it's funny how life turns out.
never the way you think,
but when you walk with your little hand in His big one,
it turns out better.
More beautiful.

but no matter what has happened,
it still comes down to love
and it's love that casts away all fear and
love that transcends
and love that changes people
and love that heals.

love that sacrifices.
love for the dirty and dying.
love that is life, not art.
love that is intimate in every way.

love of the unconditional kind.
the kind I am dying to learn
and through which,
I'm learning to die.

woven

2009-04-15T21:17:00.000+10:00

This love that turns my head
Burns me as I lay upon my bed
This Man that bends my religion
Who knows my name
And every inclination

Offers His hand to me
To dance
Offers His hand to me
To dream

Hope trails His every breath and love floods His every step
I catch his eye
But for a moment

Eternity bends
And Darkness quivers at the sound
At the voice that calls the universe to bow

With a single breath
The foundations of the earth are laid bare
A voice like the sound of rushing waters
Whispers my name
Eyes like fire burn with passion
For my soul

My hands drip with incense
As His fingers brush mine

Enfolded in His warm love my heart beats

Red

Liquid trickles down from beyond the ages

Dripping from the tree that rent the earth
The blood that split time
And caught my tears in a bottle by His heart
Time lost its grip and death lost its moment

But still my forlorn heart
Wondered where was its warrior
But You were always mine
And I was always yours

Your heart was ever towards me
You knew my wounds even outside of time
All I was to You was lovely
Inside and outside You walk with me

Beyond and before You dream with me

I can’t take my eyes off of You
My heart beats for You
My soul burns with You

Your melody turns my tongue to dancing
And my fingers to search for Yours
To thread You in the fibre of my being

But You’re already there
Woven into my breath

Melted into my spirit

by kealoha (me!)

time after time

2009-04-15T19:15:00.000+10:00

my 3BT for today:

1. Thoroughly washing my long long hair and realising I am glad that I didn't chop it off last week in the heat of the moment.. felt so good!

2. Hot salami & cheese sandwiches.. SO worth the bad breath

3. The ache deep deep inside that calls me nearer to my Saviour. Today it is particularly strong, beckoning me to look for comfort elsewhere.. but where can I go except to My Eternal Love?

blood & love

2009-04-15T01:16:00.000+10:00

I've been sitting on skype talking to
a close friend
just sharing and marveling at the
grace and goodness of God.

and I feel His presence here so strong
right now.

God is so Good.
Good feels like a word that doesn't
even come close to touching that part of Him.
But it's the best one we have.

My heart is bubbling over
and feels as though it would
burst from my chest.

He is showing me that He is a warrior.
Once, this thought scared me,
but His weapons are Love, Grace, Hope & Truth.
And The Blood.

I'm in love with a Man I'm in love with a Stranger
I'm in love with my Maker whom I have never seen
I'm in love with the Lamb I'm in love with the Lion
I'm in love with my Savior whom I have yet to know

O won't You let me love You more, this is all that I desire
Won't You let me love You more this is all that I require
Won't You let me love You more this is my deepest heart's desire
Won't You let me love You more still more and more

You could give to me the gift of walking on water
maybe I will raise the dead
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love
I have one life to live all I have to give to You is love

If I never walk on water if I never see the miracles
if I never hear your voice so loud
Just knowing that You love me is enough to keep me here
Just hearing those words is enough is enough to satisfy
You do You do You satisfy I couldn't leave even if a tried
I must have You I must have You

When it's been said and when it's all been done
When the race is run it all comes to love

extravagant incandescence

2009-04-14T14:27:00.000+10:00

Ode to a pair of socks

Maru Mori brought me
a pair
of socks
that she knit with her
shepherd's hands.
Two socks as soft
as rabbit fur.
I thrust my feet
inside them
as if they were
two
little boxes
knit
from threads
of sunset
and sheepskin.

My feet were
two woolen
fish
in those outrageous socks,
two gangly,
navy-blue sharks
impaled
on a golden thread,
two giant blackbirds,
two cannons:
thus
were my feet
honored
by
those
heavenly
socks.
They were
so beautiful
I found my feet
unlovable
for the very first time,
like two crusty old
firemen, firemen
unworthy
of that embroidered
fire,
those incandescent
socks.

Nevertheless
I fought
the sharp temptation
to put them away
the way schoolboys
put
fireflies in a bottle,
the way scholars
hoard
holy writ.
I fought
the mad urge
to lock them
in a golden
cage
and feed them birdseed
and morsels of pink melon
every day.
Like jungle
explorers
who deliver a young deer
of the rarest species
to the roasting spit
then wolf it down
in shame,
I stretched
my feet forward
and pulled on
those
gorgeous
socks,
and over them
my shoes.

So this is
the moral of my ode:
beauty is beauty
twice over
and good things are doubly
good
when you're talking about a pair of wool
socks
in the dead of winter.

taken from Odes to Common Things
by Pablo Neruda
one of my favourite poets

warm whispers

2009-04-14T02:01:00.000+10:00

I've been thinking about love.
so much has been written about it
so much has been said about it
sung about it..
it confounds, it inspires,
it moves people and it changes things.
and that's not even the kind that lasts through eternity.

I barely understand it.
but I do know that it is the very essence of my God.
He didn't invent it; it is what and who He is.
that in itself is so hard to wrap my mind around.

Years ago, this immature girl asked God
to show her what love truly is.
What it means to love and what love is.
Not just the romantic kind.
I had no idea what that would entail.

but then, I always seem to ask God for the hard things.
I figure, life's too short to sleep your way through it.
hmm.

that's all for now.
and my 3BT for today:

1. Contemplating life and love and value, then Realising the treasures that God put in my path are more than I could have dreamt of or asked for.
2. Knowing real Love.
3. Sitting on my bed listening to and breathing in the rain falling through the trees just outside my window.

Sleeping to Dream

2009-04-11T20:03:00.000+10:00

Uni informed me the other day that they sent off my
course completion papers to the nursing board.
Yay.

I've spent so much time in the Glory this week
and feeling so.... anticipatory...
I got asked today, do I feel called to full time missions..?
a few months ago, I would have answered a resounding YES.

but now.. life's not the way I'd planned.
ha. funny that.
I guess it never was at any time.
I like it.

as one or two wise persons put it,
when it's been said and done,
it all comes down to love.

I got that revelation deep deep in my heart and soul
a few years ago and that's the way I've been living
and want to continue to live.

To Love.

My 3BT for this past week:

1. Seeing someone who had been holding back from God,
come to that place where it's all or nothing. And then seeing them
choose Him.
2. Friends that are so close to my heart,
the word friends doesn't even begin to describe them.
3. Touching heaven.

My 3BT for today:

1. Painting the faces of excited kids and friends at the market
2. Seeing the heart of a person revealed in their smile,
and in the shyness of their eyes, when they realise
that you can see them.
3. Nachos.

Cuz you our King.
You get da real power,
An you stay awesome foeva.
Dass it!”

puddles and tea cosies

2009-04-02T09:56:00.000+11:00

it would seem that summer is well and truly over.
a deep sigh emanates from my heart at this realisation.
there is beauty to be found in winter
so this year, that is what i will look for.

life now looks nothing like i thought it would
even a few months ago
but in the last few days,
things have changed somewhat
so that now even my future
looks quite different to what i'd pictured
(however loosely).
never can tell eh?

my 3BT for today:
1. a new day for new things
2. photoshop
3. tea

it can't rain everyday

2009-04-01T18:15:00.000+11:00

still feel like i'm in some kind of limbo.
still waiting for uni papers.

so i decided to find my Three Beautiful Things for today

1. licking nutella off my hands
2. fluffy dark grey clouds
3. memories of my cat snuggling against my chest in wintertime

meet me by the water

later with me..

::Day 3

SOWW Week 2

the first day of my life

— Donald Miller

a snapshot view

Away til mid-Jan..

the last month or so..

waterfalls of honeywine

to me You have run

me & my best friend

Blissed

..come share Your secrets with me ..take me into the wild of nature ..the barren land of deep honey where the water moves with Your breath ..whisper Your raging love to my savage heart..~Losana

King of Glory

a weekend in Sydney

from the land of the barren we will cry out for rain

you would not believe the way He looks at me

upon a sea of green, we danced to the song of fragrant memories and longing

You are My God

to me You have run..

joy in the midst

a beautiful mess

25 things about me

true love goes beyond romance

pianos and piercings

the ramblings of an ex-insomniac... 3am australian eastern standard time

dance that hope to my heart

only the thirsty drink deep

my hands are covered in blood and oil and leaves

these warriors were born to fight fiercely and worship intimately

my leaves are dancing

consumed

the Place where we are Destined To Live

banana

fill me up God

what's so amazing about grace?

somewhere in between

kia kaha

gardens & butterflies

bearing the marks of His love

love endures all things

love that moves eternity

High Priest of Bliss

mangoes and moonbeams and cherry trees

film buff

this darkness will turn to light

sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun

stormy kind of love

envelopes of verse

last tango

with fear & trembling

sweet cherry bomb

before the cool done run out...

Last Daze

carrying moonbeams home in a jar

on a white sandy beach

bloggystuff

2 musos I love

friday never hesitates

a day in the life of pictures

turn my water into wine

my soul can't dance without You

spatial intelligence

powerful

paint & spitfires

I am dark yet Lovely

carried away

honey milk wine fire

stand by me

walking amongst the trees

anuhea

cocoa & cuddly blankets

the rescue

you're My Beloved...Lover, I'm yours

i dare you to move: Veritas et Aequitas

merry-go-rounds & sashimi daze

tiptoeing

woven

time after time

..come share Your secrets with me ..take me into the wild of nature ..the barren land of deep honey where the water moves with Your breath ..whisper Your raging love to my savage heart..

~Losana