stormy kind of love

went to church on sunday
was so good
drank deep of God.
I led worship, after such a long time.
went with my best friend.

Learnt more about real love
and the pain that fear can cause in this area...
..And just how faithful He is.
Real Love endures through all things and keeps hoping.

We visited the Sunday markets @ The Rocks
on the way to church...
it was such a pretty rainy day.





the soundtrack for
Love In The Time Of Cholera
is amazing.

Sigh.. that movie rekindled some old dreams
of adventure and exploration
and ...

with fear & trembling

my crusty-as shoes.. they need a wash. new ones would be better!


herself


spent the day with my best friend at Manly:
it was her birthday.
I wanted to do more for her..
we didn't do anything spectacular,
but she seemed so glad to just be with me.
that moved my heart so much.

learning to love hurts.
I mean real love.
I may be reiterating a former post,
but it seems to be the theme at the moment.

I am so afraid of the past and of myself due to the past
that it hinders me from growing at times
and moves me to hurt people when I don't mean to
by holding back so much from them
and always hesitating to go deeper.
Hearts are such delicate things,
yet fierce and tenacious and stronger than they may seem.

I learnt to love a little deeper and a little harder this weekend.
I felt like it was tearing me apart,
but taking that step was really tearing me away
from the old and the misconceptions
and the fears of the future.
fears that the pain of the past has created a dirty impure
monster inside me that will feed off and ruin
any love offered to me.
or that no love will ever be enough to encompass me
and all my failings.
and all my longings.

as hard as it is to learn to love,
it's directly connected to accepting love.
He took me deeper into that this weekend also.

I am so scared to love and be loved for me
but ironically, that is all I really want.
It's all any of us really want, I guess.
sometimes it feels so dark
but He.. He is not afraid of it
neither is He too small to conquer it and
move mountains, planets, oceans and stars to save me.

My amazing friends, my family,
they remind me that I am lovable
and that helps me also to accept
the love and affections of my Heart's Eternal Lover.
and in turn, love them too.

what a beautiful circle of intimacy.

so with fear, trembling & trepidation
screaming in my ears that this is a bad idea,
I move. I step closer to Him
and learn what it means to surrender.

My Lover, He is so faithful
and beyond Beautiful.
Deeply.
and His essence actually is love.
its not just something He does.
it's what He is.

wow. that was an honest post.

This doubt is screaming in my face
In this familiar place
Sheltered and concealed
And if this night won't let me rest
Don't let me second guess
What I know to be real
Put away all I know for tonight
And maybe I just might
Learn to let it go
Take my security from me
And maybe finally
I won't have to know everything

I am falling into grace
To the unknown to where you are
And faith makes everybody scared
It's the unknown, the don't-know
That keeps me hanging on and on and on to you

I got nothing left to defend
I cannot pretend
That everything makes sense
But does it really matter now
If I do not know how
To figure this thing out

Trying to fit these pieces in
Walking on a cloud of dust to
Get to you

I am falling into grace
To the unknown to where you are
And faith makes everybody scared
It's the unknown, the don't-know
That keeps me hanging on and on and on to You

~ Lifehouse

before the cool done run out...

this song still makes me ridiculously happy
whenever I hear it.
And it reminds me of 2 of my closest,
most cherished friends,
one of whom leaves this morning
and won't be back until january.
sigh.

turn my water into wine

I hate those days when
there is so much to say
but when you are standing right in front
of the person you meant to
speak these words of love and beauty and joy to...
...your breath catches in your throat and
your heart panics at the thought of being seen
that clearly...
..and yet, all you want is to be seen that deeply.
to be Known and loved for everything
that's found there

It happened to me today.
sigh.
learning to trust is so hard sometimes.
and regret sucks.

so.. just because I can...
here are My 5BT since last week:

1. long, warm cuddles.

2. feeling that deep deep craving for more of God
while going through my day. I could barely finish
peeling the potatoes at one stage, I just wanted to drop it all
& sit at His feet.

3. falling into the arms of dear friends when
things feel so rough, knowing I'm falling into
the arms of Jesus.

4. my first taste of pumpkin crunch cake,
made by her, with Love.

5. standing in the truth, especially when
it feels like a lie.

my soul can't dance without You

I haven't been blogging lately, due to a really bad cold
knocked me for a six and I was out for over a week.
Still not feeling fully better, but at least I'm not in bed anymore.

at the beginning of this year, God said He was
going to to teach me to fight
and boy has He.
to learn one has to practice, right?
well, I've had a lot of things to practice with.

it's all worth it in the end.
the darkest of nights is always worth
the radiant dawn to follow.
so, I press on and keep my eyes on Jesus
even when things feel blurred and
truth is all topsy-turvy,
He's still worth it.
He's still Love beyond all imagination.

I want to be found faithful.

He's been restoring so much to my broken bleeding heart.
Opening up old scar tissue that I just wanted to ignore.
The kind that is still beating and red and torn
just under the surface.
Gently washing it clean and fighting away the darkness
as He holds me in His arms.
A love I cannot understand,
no matter how hard I try.
I just want to be Lost in Him.
____________

I have missed blogging my 3BT,
so here are my 10BT lately, to make up for time lost.

1. walking along a beautiful beach with 2 people who
embody beauty and love to me.

2. songs that move, shake, mould and break me.
The kind that come straight down from heaven and through
amazing hearts that are in constant pursuit of His heart.

3. walking in the grey, shadowy light of a rainy day,
drinking in the beauty of the fallen amber leaves at my feet
strewn along the path, just for me.

4. siting alone and feeling the brokenness of my heart and
the impending despair that was once such a close
and constant companion, and crying so hard
that I feel my eyes will fall out into my hands,
only to have my Lover say, I'm with you. I cry every tear with you.

5. the pure joy and simplicity of a bento box and green tea.
each bite taking me to new heights of gladness and grinning
like an idiot in the restauran while people look at me and
wonder, what's so great?

6. that joyful moment when the phone rang,
and a precious embodiment of love in my life spoke to me.
I'd been waiting all day for them to call!

7. the restoration of hope in my heart and life.

8. the contrast of colours in nature and people
as the weather turns colder and winter descends
to wrap us in its wonder.

9. feeling the pain in my leg subside, even for a little while
and knowing that it's already healed no matter my experience,
because my Lover heals every disease every time.

10. the ability to give love and to accept love.
and through that, to learn the deeper, mysterious
aspects of its wonder and power.

and one more Beautiful Thing

11. meeting someone who can make me blush,
but not in an embarrassing or gross way. Pure.
I love that.

carried away

dark eyes
liquidy grey
apple juice and coffee delight

red and white
paint me down
swirl me round

cloudy sentiments and inane words
melancholy brew
carry me

[ by Losana ]