to me You have run

it's been quite a while since I've updated this blog
and many things have come to pass during this time
mostly to do with healing and restoration.

This year has been quite rough,
with God bringing out very dark things in my heart
and also restoring lost, absent hope to my heart.
to get rid of the lies, they need to be rooted out
and replaced with truth.

A lot of it had to do with my calling and also my identity in Christ.
and I can see now God's fingerprints
and I never stopped feeling Him so close by.

My church has been having a Burn24 hr worship time
over this weekend and it's been amazing.
I was there for the opening and stayed through the night
til the next mid-afternoon.

I have a call and anointing for intimate worship
and this year over the last few months, one of the areas
that was attacked and God rooting out lies
was in that area.
I came to the point where I truly had forgotten what I was anointed for

and during the Burn on the first night,
it was around 2am, and there were some hungry lovers
scattered about the place
I took a step of faith and picked up the guitar
my friend hopped on the piano
and I worshipped God like never before
I got so drunk in His love
just singing out His heart and mine
in that beautiful place where they collide..
all In Him.

going back tonight for more shaka
to drink deeeeeeeep of His love and glory and joyful goodness

I am heading up to Brisvegas (Brisbane)
next weekend for Christmas and to do training in Jan for YWAM
then I am back to the base as full time staff.
but that is a whole different story for next time.

God's love and faithfulness tears me apart.
I love it.

Blissed

I'm Ecstatically in love with the King of Glory
and getting more & more drunk
and Blissed Out on the New Wine of His Heart,
His Love Glory Joy Presence..

Will write an update sooooooooooon..

you would not believe the way He looks at me

you would not believe
the way He touches me
He burns right through me

I can't hold my love back from You
I've gotta sing
Sing My Love

You are My God

I played this song last night
as I lay in bed

and as it washed over me,
I realised so many things..
in the presence of God things really do become clear.

I realised there is still so much shame in my heart
& so often I still feel like..
..how can God stand to look at me,
let lone run after me so passionately..
..fight off the legions of hell..
for me?

and there is the part I don't get:
Love & Grace.
the real kind, not the human conditional kind.

I am dark yet lovely
filthy yet loved
dirty yet washed clean

and as these things rolled through my heart and mind
I just cried and cried
and was so thankful
that I don't have to pay the price for my sins
I am washed so clean, like new
and on top of that I am so incredibly LOVED
God is revealing grace and love to my heart
anew.

so I'm choosing to move past the shame
and despite it,
to acknowledge His love
and accept it a little more
and crowd out all that ugly stuff
so that His love has every part of me.
one step at a time.

I feel like He has been singing this verse to me
over and over for a while now..
to stop hiding from Him
stop being ashamed to come before Him.

My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely
~ Song of Songs 2:14

in my life,
the hardest thing for me to understand has been
how much I am loved.
sometimes I still feel like
I need to do something to be worthy
of His love and grace and time..
but like I heard on the weekend,

He loves me because He loves me
because He loves me because He loves me
because He loves me
BECAUSE HE LOVES ME

thankfully.. He will never give up
telling me just how much,
until I get it.

and then He'll tell me some more.

to me You have run..

..so I cry
Holy
the light is white
Holy
and I see You
Holy

I'm alive
I'm still alive..

I can feel You all around me
thickening the air I'm breathing
holding onto what I'm feeling
savouring this heart that's healing..

[~ flyleaf ]

25 things about me

I have probably already posted this
but I came across it again
where it had originally been shared
and thought, why not?
so here we go...

1. I love the smell and feel of the ocean salt on my skin on a warm day and grass or sand underneath my feet. I hate wearing closed shoes. Going barefoot or in flip-flops everyday makes me devastatingly happy.

2. I'm ridiculously shy when meeting new people.

3. I love naming things that are dear to me. I named my first guitar Mossad. And my second, Fez. My ukulele is named Kauanoe (misty rain). My laptop is named Moss (Maurice), after my grandpa. When I was 13, I named my stuffed bunny, Rosencrantz Archimedes... it's still in my posesssion.

4. To this day, I love lurking in the poetry section of libraries.. and I love reading poetry in its native language.

5. I adore seeing the hidden beauty and potential in people, the more obscure, the more satisfying and wonderful. There is incredible beauty all around, sometimes you just have to soften your eyes.

6. Perpetually backpacking around the world and living in a community/village in some off-the-map jungle has been a constant temptation since I was young. I frequently dream of simply packing my bag and hanging out in South East Asia or Latin America for a few years... the time, I feel is drawing closer for this..

7. Singing beautiful songs makes me very, very happy.

8. I'm a story-teller and a collector of stories. It's in my blood. Like the ocean

9. I constantly write words, phrases, paragraphs of beauty in my head and sometimes on paper, but can never seem to be able to remember the melody I put to any of them.

10. Every year since I was 13 (except 2008), I have read 'To Kill A Mockingbird' and 'My Family and Other Animals'. 'Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency' has been read every year since the very early part of this century.

11. I was an anti-globalist of the communist/socialist persuasion for a number of years. Before uni. It was borne out of a pure desire.

12. I am much too sarcastic for my own good. Frequently. But definitely without a hint of malice. Thus I do enjoy the talents of the likes of Jack Dee and Eddie Izzard.

13. Sometimes I think that there might actually be no blood in my veins, only salt water. No matter how badly or how well my life is going, when I sit by the ocean, everything is better. And God, closer.

14. I'm an artist. But I love quantum physics. And I was in the chess club. I still have moments of monumental nerd-dom. And my God seems to have painted fractals into everything.

15. I'm never going to retire, because I'm always going to love what I do. There's no room in life for regret.

16. I was born in Fiji, moved to Aussie when I was 1yr old. I went to 9 different primary schools and 3 high schools, due to moving around (Australia) so often for my dad's job (draftsman). During this time, I also lived in Malaysia for 3 wonderful, dark, significant years. And I wholeheartedly appreciate my parents moving us around so often and implanting in me the insatiable travel bug and appreciation of people and culture.

17. I'm no good at arguing. I always seem to lose my thread and motivation to continue.

18. I have been debating for years, whether or not to just go for it and get dreads. It's the whole shaving-my-head-and-subsequ

ently-getting-a-bad-afro part that impinges on these thoughts.

19. I ought to be a much better guitar player than I am, however, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm just incredibly lazy in this area. I still dream of playing the drums (kit and hand drums), sita, cello and violin one day.

20. I used to make mixed tapes for people, but have only recently met kindred spirits who not only appreciate and understand, but also took part in this art-form.

21. I think a life lived without awareness and embodiment of Beauty, Love and Passion is not really life.

22. I spent 9 years (not consecutive) dilly-dallying in the Australian university education system. I can write an essay on just about anything off the top of my head. Without doing the required readings. Skills for life, eh? I almost took political science instead of nursing.

23. I would love to own a two-tone kombi microbus with safari windows.

24. Air-conditioners make me feel nauseated. Including the ones in shopping malls.

25. Every day, it becomes increasingly clear, as it infuses every part of me, that I have the Love I've always dreamed of.

true love goes beyond romance

I remember reading once,
something to the effect of...
"..anything worth having is worth fighting for.."

I'm learning to love.
still learning.

God has sent certain people in my life
who are a large part of these lessons.
they are the most challenging and most
difficult relationships
only because they demand a deeper level
of heart, of vulnerability, of commitment...

these are the best.

I guess if you hold back your heart
you will never really know how much love can be
and heal and extend you and move nations..

God is Love
and the word multi-faceted
doesn't even begin to describe Him.
how much more is Love beyond what we see
think hear believe or experience.
God has been really opening up my eyes
to the More that He is.
the more that He has.
Just blowing the edges of my mind with how much
we don't even realise that He is and has for us!

and I guess like this song says
love isn't a fight, it's something to fight for.
hmm.

"We love because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19

it's our motivation,
our goal,
our reason,
our essence.
because we were made in His image.

hmm just processing 'out loud'..

I heard something great from Heidi Baker today
that is so true!!
"..intimacy is the goal ...fruit happens!"
shaka!

I am my Beloved's
and His passion is for me.



I took another personality test today
(took a spiritual gifts test recently)
since I didn't really pay too much attention
when we took them in psych class at uni.

I am already quite introspective,
as I guess is apparent through my writing.
after taking the test again.. I think that
I understand some things a little better about myself
and the way I relate to other people,
the way I relate to God and also the way I view the world.

perhaps I won't share the results just now...
..haha!
still processing a lot of it.
interesting, though.

I am feeling a little under the weather at the moment.
feels like a slightly bad cold.

these warriors were born to fight fiercely and worship intimately

My voice is the sound of a thousand bells
Hear me nations, Hear Israel

My song is the water of the purest well
Hear me heaven, Fear me hell

My dance carries thunder from the throne of Yah
Look at me and know He is God


Let our praises rise like a weapon in Your hand
Let our praises rise Oh God
Let our praises rise like a weapon in Your hand
Let our praises rise Oh God


My hands hold the cure for every disease
They're covered in blood and oil and leaves

My laughter and tears create things unseen
Atmosphere changes, God released

My worship is armed with spirit and truth
Sacred, accepted, pleasing to You


God of eternity, wonders and majesty
God of all nations, uncharted galaxies
God who is Spirit, alive in me

consumed

I feel like I am sinking.

suffocating.

I can barely breathe.

God has been really turning up the heat and

demanding more of my heart.

it's what I wanted, what I asked for

but the things of the past won't let me go so easily.

so much ugliness pain darkness evil filth

sin

is being thrown in my face

things I once did

things I want to do

sin really is a seduction.

sometimes I feel as though I were formed in the very pit of hell.

but God keeps speaking His amazing grace

that I was made in His image

and Jesus' blood really is enough.

to stop the devil from robbing me

over and over.

so I am learning to stand and to fight

and not accept these things as

the the dictating tune of my life anymore

I feel like I am dying..

almost physically.

but perhaps that is the right way

for me to die so that I can live in truth.

God is establishing truth and it's hard

because I've believed lies for so very long!

The amazing thing about Grace... is Grace.

I feel so heavy, but God is still God

and He still deserves everything I am

and everything I have

to be worshipped in spirit and truth,

no matter how I feel or what I see

He is truth and He never changes.

as Cynthia says,

feed yourself on the Word of God

or you'll feed off the lies of the devil

but I won't let go.

and He won't let me go.

'..what can I do with my obsession
with the things I cannot see
there's a madness in my being
it's the wind that blows the trees

sometimes You're further than the moon
sometimes You're closer than my skin
You surround me like a winter fog
You come and burn me with a kiss

..and my heart burns for You..

and oh forever
keep me burning
with the fire of Your Love..'

the Place where we are Destined To Live

I've been thinking a lot
and God's been speaking a lot..
about worship.
and missions.
and people.

last night it occurred to me..
I felt almost ripped off when I thought back to
the paradigm of God I was taught when growing up
..and now.. I feel like the normal place of the church
is to be that LoveDrunk LoveSick bride
who worships like there it's the last chance she'll ever get
corporately.. and individually.

it all starts in that secret place of intimacy with God.
I remember something Bill Johnson once said..
something to the effect of..
I can stand here, pray for people, impart things in the Spirit..
but the one thing I can't impart is my secret history with God.

So true. Those are the richest times in one's life
but they are also the times that must be sought after
and fought for and cultivated and decided upon by each person.
God put so much potential in all of us.. eternity in our hearts,
but it's up to us to choose to place ourselves on the road that
will get us to the realisation of it all.

God is calling His people into deep deep intimacy
like never before.
Places of His soul that He has been just dying to show us.
and when we learn to get in that place,
the overflow can't help but pour and pour and pour
into other people's lives.

It's not about programs or trendy music..
it's about fully surrendered hearts..
death to self.
people who are willing to let God have His way.
My friend Cynthia said it best -
worship is whatever God wants, When God wants it.

Phil Mason said it good when he referenced Heidi Baker
saying that the only way she can do what she does,
day in and day out, loving people
the hurt, the dying, the broken, the sick..
is to live in that place of ecstacy and intimacy with God.
that other realm where what Paul wrote about
in the new testament, becomes really real.
Joy in the midst of suffering.
the realm of supernatural God-ecstacy.

I just want to love God with absolutely everything I am
hold nothing back...
and love people like Jesus does.