a beautiful mess

I stood there, as tired as could be,
waiting for my friend
amid the busyness and movement of peak hour
in the heart of the city.
but I found myself caught up in
seemingly insignificant happenings around me...

nearby, there was a man playing effortless guitar
the most beautiful expression on his face
as his fingers danced up and down the strings
.. I felt so removed from the entire scene
as if I were watching a short film.
no dialogue as such
but immense depth character and emotion
from the players.

as the man played, another stood by
unwilling to leave.
just then, a young teen-aged girl walked past
and a few metres away,
she stopped.
she looked almost bewildered at her own actions.
She turned around and stared in the guitarist's direction
it was as if she could not help herself.

she stood there for a good few minutes, absolutely still
her face registering emotion after emotion
as the music sang to her heart.
something deeper than perhaps even she understood.
then the crowd .. and when they dispersed
she was gone.


I was amazed just watching her
gaining an insight and deeper revelation
that I barely comprehend with my head,
of just how God created music to be..
of how complex people are
and incredulous at the things we are moved by.

it was as if I'd experienced music and its effect
for the first time.. but through the eyes of another soul.

in some ways,
I feel as though I am experiencing my life
for the first time.
it's most likely that I am gaining
new perspective and as I've mentioned before,
seeing things through the eyes of hope
that is being restored to my heart.
not just hope that I'll make it to tomorrow still breathing,
but hope that there are Good things in my future
that God intends and is waiting to pour out.

it's definitely.. different.
and I like it.

I have been a little sick lately
just a bad cold..
but tired also.. and with a lot of processing
happening in my head and heart.

this verse has been in my head all day..
..I read it just before my shift started this morning..

'..enter His courts with thanksgiving; go into His courts with praise..' ~ psalm 100:4

beautiful.

these are keys
to being in God's presence,
to entering into His tabernacle
into the secret place.
and God.. the more I get to know Him
the more I see His is so much about joy.

He's been really speaking lately to me about
that whole joy in the midst of whatever thing
joy in the midst of everything.
"rejoice in the LORD always"
not easy at all,
but amazing that God would say that..

..that the way to get joy is to rejoice.
I guess if we waited 'til we felt like it,
we'd never do it.
sometimes you have to bypass your head and
speak to your spirit.

I feel as though,
for a little while there,
I lost my way and stumbled upon the outskirts of
Our Garden.

my fingers began to slowly slip out of my Lover's hand
as my view became clouded with
strains and pains and hurts
that needed clearing out.

and realising now that He had His hand on mine
the whole time.
I'm finding my way back
back into that secret place I love so much.
where His heart stands
a beacon to my troubled soul.

my favourite part of that song that loops on my blog playlist..
"look My way, look My way, My Love.."
He is so.. enduring and persistent.

I read that part of The Shack today during my break at work
just where Sarayu takes Mack into the garden
and they uproot the plants as they talk.
he is so captured by the mess of the place,
but also the sheer beauty of the garden, even in that state.
and Sarayu tells him that the garden is His heart

I cried.

my garden feels so dark and twisted
and so unlovely most of the time
but slowly,
slowly
I am learning to see it through His eyes
and I am a
complicated
beautiful
mess.

and it's a garden that He actually
delights in.