a beautiful mess

I stood there, as tired as could be,
waiting for my friend
amid the busyness and movement of peak hour
in the heart of the city.
but I found myself caught up in
seemingly insignificant happenings around me...

nearby, there was a man playing effortless guitar
the most beautiful expression on his face
as his fingers danced up and down the strings
.. I felt so removed from the entire scene
as if I were watching a short film.
no dialogue as such
but immense depth character and emotion
from the players.

as the man played, another stood by
unwilling to leave.
just then, a young teen-aged girl walked past
and a few metres away,
she stopped.
she looked almost bewildered at her own actions.
She turned around and stared in the guitarist's direction
it was as if she could not help herself.

she stood there for a good few minutes, absolutely still
her face registering emotion after emotion
as the music sang to her heart.
something deeper than perhaps even she understood.
then the crowd .. and when they dispersed
she was gone.


I was amazed just watching her
gaining an insight and deeper revelation
that I barely comprehend with my head,
of just how God created music to be..
of how complex people are
and incredulous at the things we are moved by.

it was as if I'd experienced music and its effect
for the first time.. but through the eyes of another soul.

in some ways,
I feel as though I am experiencing my life
for the first time.
it's most likely that I am gaining
new perspective and as I've mentioned before,
seeing things through the eyes of hope
that is being restored to my heart.
not just hope that I'll make it to tomorrow still breathing,
but hope that there are Good things in my future
that God intends and is waiting to pour out.

it's definitely.. different.
and I like it.

I have been a little sick lately
just a bad cold..
but tired also.. and with a lot of processing
happening in my head and heart.

this verse has been in my head all day..
..I read it just before my shift started this morning..

'..enter His courts with thanksgiving; go into His courts with praise..' ~ psalm 100:4

beautiful.

these are keys
to being in God's presence,
to entering into His tabernacle
into the secret place.
and God.. the more I get to know Him
the more I see His is so much about joy.

He's been really speaking lately to me about
that whole joy in the midst of whatever thing
joy in the midst of everything.
"rejoice in the LORD always"
not easy at all,
but amazing that God would say that..

..that the way to get joy is to rejoice.
I guess if we waited 'til we felt like it,
we'd never do it.
sometimes you have to bypass your head and
speak to your spirit.

I feel as though,
for a little while there,
I lost my way and stumbled upon the outskirts of
Our Garden.

my fingers began to slowly slip out of my Lover's hand
as my view became clouded with
strains and pains and hurts
that needed clearing out.

and realising now that He had His hand on mine
the whole time.
I'm finding my way back
back into that secret place I love so much.
where His heart stands
a beacon to my troubled soul.

my favourite part of that song that loops on my blog playlist..
"look My way, look My way, My Love.."
He is so.. enduring and persistent.

I read that part of The Shack today during my break at work
just where Sarayu takes Mack into the garden
and they uproot the plants as they talk.
he is so captured by the mess of the place,
but also the sheer beauty of the garden, even in that state.
and Sarayu tells him that the garden is His heart

I cried.

my garden feels so dark and twisted
and so unlovely most of the time
but slowly,
slowly
I am learning to see it through His eyes
and I am a
complicated
beautiful
mess.

and it's a garden that He actually
delights in.

dance that hope to my heart

this might sound silly and little-girlish
but I just want to run away with God.
He's so beautiful
sometimes it hurts,
in the light of my heart,
but He always astounds
and moves me
and though I have to dig for More of Him
it's worth it.

when I read His heart,
I remember Who He is
and Why I am.
and my heart feels that newly familiar
sense of somewhat intangible hope
that reverberates through my being
and quietly whispers smiles and love
beyond anything imagined or sung of
in any moment this universe has seen.

behold You have come
over the hills
upon the mountain
to me You have run
my Beloved
You've captured my heart

won't You dance with me
oh Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

with You I will go
You are my Love
You are my Fair One
the winter has passed
and the spring time has come

won't You dance with me
h Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

romance me
oh Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

[ ~ jesus culture ]

consumed

I feel like I am sinking.

suffocating.

I can barely breathe.

God has been really turning up the heat and

demanding more of my heart.

it's what I wanted, what I asked for

but the things of the past won't let me go so easily.

so much ugliness pain darkness evil filth

sin

is being thrown in my face

things I once did

things I want to do

sin really is a seduction.

sometimes I feel as though I were formed in the very pit of hell.

but God keeps speaking His amazing grace

that I was made in His image

and Jesus' blood really is enough.

to stop the devil from robbing me

over and over.

so I am learning to stand and to fight

and not accept these things as

the the dictating tune of my life anymore

I feel like I am dying..

almost physically.

but perhaps that is the right way

for me to die so that I can live in truth.

God is establishing truth and it's hard

because I've believed lies for so very long!

The amazing thing about Grace... is Grace.

I feel so heavy, but God is still God

and He still deserves everything I am

and everything I have

to be worshipped in spirit and truth,

no matter how I feel or what I see

He is truth and He never changes.

as Cynthia says,

feed yourself on the Word of God

or you'll feed off the lies of the devil

but I won't let go.

and He won't let me go.

'..what can I do with my obsession
with the things I cannot see
there's a madness in my being
it's the wind that blows the trees

sometimes You're further than the moon
sometimes You're closer than my skin
You surround me like a winter fog
You come and burn me with a kiss

..and my heart burns for You..

and oh forever
keep me burning
with the fire of Your Love..'

the Place where we are Destined To Live

I've been thinking a lot
and God's been speaking a lot..
about worship.
and missions.
and people.

last night it occurred to me..
I felt almost ripped off when I thought back to
the paradigm of God I was taught when growing up
..and now.. I feel like the normal place of the church
is to be that LoveDrunk LoveSick bride
who worships like there it's the last chance she'll ever get
corporately.. and individually.

it all starts in that secret place of intimacy with God.
I remember something Bill Johnson once said..
something to the effect of..
I can stand here, pray for people, impart things in the Spirit..
but the one thing I can't impart is my secret history with God.

So true. Those are the richest times in one's life
but they are also the times that must be sought after
and fought for and cultivated and decided upon by each person.
God put so much potential in all of us.. eternity in our hearts,
but it's up to us to choose to place ourselves on the road that
will get us to the realisation of it all.

God is calling His people into deep deep intimacy
like never before.
Places of His soul that He has been just dying to show us.
and when we learn to get in that place,
the overflow can't help but pour and pour and pour
into other people's lives.

It's not about programs or trendy music..
it's about fully surrendered hearts..
death to self.
people who are willing to let God have His way.
My friend Cynthia said it best -
worship is whatever God wants, When God wants it.

Phil Mason said it good when he referenced Heidi Baker
saying that the only way she can do what she does,
day in and day out, loving people
the hurt, the dying, the broken, the sick..
is to live in that place of ecstacy and intimacy with God.
that other realm where what Paul wrote about
in the new testament, becomes really real.
Joy in the midst of suffering.
the realm of supernatural God-ecstacy.

I just want to love God with absolutely everything I am
hold nothing back...
and love people like Jesus does.

fill me up God

so.. my posts have been few and far between of late

there has been much contemplation and re-evaluation of things

after all the stuff at work and just feeling so squished

and heavy from all the spiritual attacks,

I went back to the YWAM base to just get away and think through

things and yes, re-evaluate a lot.

My life, particularly.

I currently do not enjoy nursing at all and I feel like

it's such a waste of my time in its current context.

I know that I am meant to be in missions right now and

it becomes more and more evident as the days pass.

God is slowly revealing His destiny for me and

narrowing is down more, so that is something!

I prayed and realised that I am always so drawn to

the DTS students on my base

I just love talking to them, seeing them grow

and so.. decided it was time for me to staff a DTS.

to get in there and impart and train and give of the

abundance that God has given to me and see young people

meet God like they never have before,

to see them absolutely ruined for anything but all of Him..

.. and thus I am staffing my first DTS in Feb 2010.

It is the Outback to Safari school, which is a mobile DTS

and is focused on indigenous ministry in Australia and

then goes to South Africa for a large part of the outreach phase.

I am a little nervous, but I am so stoked!

I almost wish it was february already..

I also ended up doing some graphic work for the base

while I was there, which I enjoyed a whole lot.

I am going home this afternoon, back to my parents' place

to get ready.

to leave.

I'll throw most of my stuff out,

since I don't really have anywhere for it anymore

and relinquished my room to my younger brother.

I don't know what the future holds

I don't even know how I will pay my staff or outreach fees

but God is still on the throne and I know I am going His way

so what can I do, but trust Him?

He gave me this verse last week

when it was all caving in on me ...

I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.

From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do

~Isaiah 46:10

and when I just sit and think back over all the things

God has said to me, about me, about my life..

far out.

He has been reminding me a lot lately

of His promises,

and how He is the God who brings them to pass.

Not one of His words falls to the ground void and useless.

Awright!

I do miss my family and I miss my neighbourhood somewhat.

I look forward to some nice warm days in the city

drinking coffee and watching the water,

enjoying a few more weeks off before I come back

full time staffing DTS for 6 months.

after that.. who knows where God will lead me?

Over the past few days, I've had these moments

of just absolute joy and peace like I've never experienced

and they crop up when I think about my life

and where I am going even in the very near future.

this morning in base worship I found myself thinking about it

and talking to God.. and it feels as if..

God is showing me more of who I am,

that the way I see myself is nowhere near the way He sees me

this person I am in these moments of joy

is not who I am now,

but I know deep down that it's who I want to be

and it's like my heart already knows this woman.

and the woman who is on display now.. her time is coming to an end

she was built on lies and pain and brokenness

but the redeemed of the LORD shall return!

the other night we were in the prayer room,

worshipping hard out and I felt God take me

to another level in worship.. I'm so stoked and also so

humbled and just.. wow God!!

learning so much more about abandonment and surrender

and what it means to lay it all down and pour out

everything on Him.

God has been speaking a lot lately also,

concerning the heart of my base's ministry -

we are Island Breeze, which is a ministry within YWAM:

Within the international ministry of YWAM, Island Breeze focuses on issues of restoration and redemption of peoples and their culture – ‘To know God and make him known through His inherent gifts and expressions within the nations’.

God has been showing me such beauty in the indigenous cultures

mine included, as well as the indigenous of this land (Australia).

over the last 2 years and very lately, the native people of North America.

I'm amazed and humbled and overjoyed at the treasures He has

placed within us all.

and just how amazing they are when they are redeemed in Jesus' blood

and the way they all fit together to bring Him glory.

He is taking me deeper,

challenging me to go there

to swim and play and drown in His river.

Die to myself

to live in Him.

I want to live that life obsessed with Jesus

ready to lay down everything no matter what

just because He is worth it all

and people are worth that much to Him.

With holiness that hurts the eyes.

That makes demons scream in shopping centres.

To walk with that fire and passion that moves kingdoms

and shakes eternity.

Deep calling to deep.

..many thoughts, many things to ponder..

So this guy comes up to me and says:
'what’s the vision? What’s the big idea?'
I open my mouth and words come out like this:

The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to lose,
that they might one day win
the great ‘Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is disciplined.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain”.

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs.
Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death, kill them?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

Inside.

On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.

Don’t you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdos! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.

How do I know?

Because this is the longing of creation itself,
the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great ‘Amen!’ from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

[~ The Vision, Peter Grieg 24-7 Prayer]

love endures all things

Hang my locket around your neck,
wear my ring on your finger.
Love is invincible facing danger and death.
Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.
The fire of love stops at nothing—
it sweeps everything before it.
Flood waters can't drown love,
torrents of rain can't put it out.
Love can't be bought, love can't be sold—
it's not to be found in the marketplace.

~ Song of Solomon 8:6-8 [the message]

love that moves eternity

High Priest of Bliss

I've been very very sick for the past 2 days
feels like a spiritual attack
but God is still for me
and the battle isn't mine to fight, it's His.
So I'm resting.

and last week I was diagnosed with sciatica
due to a spinal disc herniation, pressing on the nerve.

but God still knows...
I'm learning to enjoy God amid the pain in my body
and keep my eyes on Him
He is so joyful, how can I not be?
He's the High Priest of Bliss, as my girl Steph says!

this darkness will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

with fear & trembling

my crusty-as shoes.. they need a wash. new ones would be better!


herself


spent the day with my best friend at Manly:
it was her birthday.
I wanted to do more for her..
we didn't do anything spectacular,
but she seemed so glad to just be with me.
that moved my heart so much.

learning to love hurts.
I mean real love.
I may be reiterating a former post,
but it seems to be the theme at the moment.

I am so afraid of the past and of myself due to the past
that it hinders me from growing at times
and moves me to hurt people when I don't mean to
by holding back so much from them
and always hesitating to go deeper.
Hearts are such delicate things,
yet fierce and tenacious and stronger than they may seem.

I learnt to love a little deeper and a little harder this weekend.
I felt like it was tearing me apart,
but taking that step was really tearing me away
from the old and the misconceptions
and the fears of the future.
fears that the pain of the past has created a dirty impure
monster inside me that will feed off and ruin
any love offered to me.
or that no love will ever be enough to encompass me
and all my failings.
and all my longings.

as hard as it is to learn to love,
it's directly connected to accepting love.
He took me deeper into that this weekend also.

I am so scared to love and be loved for me
but ironically, that is all I really want.
It's all any of us really want, I guess.
sometimes it feels so dark
but He.. He is not afraid of it
neither is He too small to conquer it and
move mountains, planets, oceans and stars to save me.

My amazing friends, my family,
they remind me that I am lovable
and that helps me also to accept
the love and affections of my Heart's Eternal Lover.
and in turn, love them too.

what a beautiful circle of intimacy.

so with fear, trembling & trepidation
screaming in my ears that this is a bad idea,
I move. I step closer to Him
and learn what it means to surrender.

My Lover, He is so faithful
and beyond Beautiful.
Deeply.
and His essence actually is love.
its not just something He does.
it's what He is.

wow. that was an honest post.

This doubt is screaming in my face
In this familiar place
Sheltered and concealed
And if this night won't let me rest
Don't let me second guess
What I know to be real
Put away all I know for tonight
And maybe I just might
Learn to let it go
Take my security from me
And maybe finally
I won't have to know everything

I am falling into grace
To the unknown to where you are
And faith makes everybody scared
It's the unknown, the don't-know
That keeps me hanging on and on and on to you

I got nothing left to defend
I cannot pretend
That everything makes sense
But does it really matter now
If I do not know how
To figure this thing out

Trying to fit these pieces in
Walking on a cloud of dust to
Get to you

I am falling into grace
To the unknown to where you are
And faith makes everybody scared
It's the unknown, the don't-know
That keeps me hanging on and on and on to You

~ Lifehouse

sweet cherry bomb

things that made me smile today

:: calling a dear friend on the eve of her birthday
:: dreaming of and craving cherries & strawberries
:: learning to walk into healing with my Eternal Lover
holding my hand

I am my Beloved's
and He is mine.

my soul can't dance without You

I haven't been blogging lately, due to a really bad cold
knocked me for a six and I was out for over a week.
Still not feeling fully better, but at least I'm not in bed anymore.

at the beginning of this year, God said He was
going to to teach me to fight
and boy has He.
to learn one has to practice, right?
well, I've had a lot of things to practice with.

it's all worth it in the end.
the darkest of nights is always worth
the radiant dawn to follow.
so, I press on and keep my eyes on Jesus
even when things feel blurred and
truth is all topsy-turvy,
He's still worth it.
He's still Love beyond all imagination.

I want to be found faithful.

He's been restoring so much to my broken bleeding heart.
Opening up old scar tissue that I just wanted to ignore.
The kind that is still beating and red and torn
just under the surface.
Gently washing it clean and fighting away the darkness
as He holds me in His arms.
A love I cannot understand,
no matter how hard I try.
I just want to be Lost in Him.
____________

I have missed blogging my 3BT,
so here are my 10BT lately, to make up for time lost.

1. walking along a beautiful beach with 2 people who
embody beauty and love to me.

2. songs that move, shake, mould and break me.
The kind that come straight down from heaven and through
amazing hearts that are in constant pursuit of His heart.

3. walking in the grey, shadowy light of a rainy day,
drinking in the beauty of the fallen amber leaves at my feet
strewn along the path, just for me.

4. siting alone and feeling the brokenness of my heart and
the impending despair that was once such a close
and constant companion, and crying so hard
that I feel my eyes will fall out into my hands,
only to have my Lover say, I'm with you. I cry every tear with you.

5. the pure joy and simplicity of a bento box and green tea.
each bite taking me to new heights of gladness and grinning
like an idiot in the restauran while people look at me and
wonder, what's so great?

6. that joyful moment when the phone rang,
and a precious embodiment of love in my life spoke to me.
I'd been waiting all day for them to call!

7. the restoration of hope in my heart and life.

8. the contrast of colours in nature and people
as the weather turns colder and winter descends
to wrap us in its wonder.

9. feeling the pain in my leg subside, even for a little while
and knowing that it's already healed no matter my experience,
because my Lover heals every disease every time.

10. the ability to give love and to accept love.
and through that, to learn the deeper, mysterious
aspects of its wonder and power.

and one more Beautiful Thing

11. meeting someone who can make me blush,
but not in an embarrassing or gross way. Pure.
I love that.

I am dark yet Lovely

some things are quite rough to deal with
at the moment.
but it's not about me.. it's about God.


I want to live before Your eyes
I want to stay before Your, gaze
So keep me steady here

I want to run the race
I want to keep the faith
Help me win the prize
Of the knowledge of You

I want to be found faithful
I want to be found steady
I want to be found faithful
Until the end

by Justin Rizzo, IHOP






I am dark yet lovely.
In my weakness I am still lovely to God.

stand by me

walking amongst the trees

here is part of a song
I wrote last week
a few of my favourite lines...


Hand in hand in hand
Feet entwined in the sand
Mangoes and moonbeams and melodies
Making me smile

Breathless glances find a way to make
Dreams come to life
Breathless glances find me a way
To your heart

Whispers and raindrops and cherry trees
Silhouettes of love

the rescue

So.. we went to The Rescue event in Sydney on Saturday.
We met at Milson's point and a bunch of us from
YWAM volunteered on the day
(blue shirts - "here to help")
We marched in groups from Milsons Point
to Mrs Macquarie's Chair (where she would pray for Sydney)
then later that night,
to Hyde Park Barracks where we slept.
"slept"

we walked
we laughed
we prayed
we stood out
we worshipped
we stood up
for truth love and justice

you're My Beloved...Lover, I'm yours

my friend posted these lyrics,
by a band called Tenth Avenue North
amazing.

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery

i dare you to move: Veritas et Aequitas

I was so close to getting my registration yesterday
but now they need a copy of my year 12 transcript
to see my english exam results.

Year 12.
that was so long ago!
I didn't even finish year 12 in this decade!
sigh.

ok, so my frustration level is peaking,
but as my friend always reminds me...
.. God is still on the throne! haha

tomorrow night I am heading into the city
with some other YWAMmers
to volunteer for the Invisible Children
awareness event (The Rescue)
for the children who are abducted in
Sudan/Uganda/Congo/CAR
for the rebel army.

you can see The Rough Cut here
which gives a background on the organisation
and the plight of these children.
there is an updated video on the site also,
with the current situation
and their blog.

so tomorrow night, in 90 cities around the world,
people will gather for a solemn march and
sleep on the street to bring awareness of these tragedies.

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage.

A dove-house fill'd with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell thro' all its regions.
A dog starv'd at his master's gate
Predicts the ruin of the state.

A horse misused upon the road
Calls to heaven for human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted hare
A fibre from the brain does tear.

A skylark wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.
The game-cock clipt and arm'd for fight
Does the rising sun affright.

~ excerpt from auguries of innocence
by William Blake