Blissed

I'm Ecstatically in love with the King of Glory
and getting more & more drunk
and Blissed Out on the New Wine of His Heart,
His Love Glory Joy Presence..

Will write an update sooooooooooon..

..come share Your secrets with me ..take me into the wild of nature ..the barren land of deep honey where the water moves with Your breath ..whisper Your raging love to my savage heart..

~Losana

from the land of the barren we will cry out for rain

keep looking at the bigger picture.

you would not believe the way He looks at me

you would not believe
the way He touches me
He burns right through me

I can't hold my love back from You
I've gotta sing
Sing My Love

a beautiful mess

I stood there, as tired as could be,
waiting for my friend
amid the busyness and movement of peak hour
in the heart of the city.
but I found myself caught up in
seemingly insignificant happenings around me...

nearby, there was a man playing effortless guitar
the most beautiful expression on his face
as his fingers danced up and down the strings
.. I felt so removed from the entire scene
as if I were watching a short film.
no dialogue as such
but immense depth character and emotion
from the players.

as the man played, another stood by
unwilling to leave.
just then, a young teen-aged girl walked past
and a few metres away,
she stopped.
she looked almost bewildered at her own actions.
She turned around and stared in the guitarist's direction
it was as if she could not help herself.

she stood there for a good few minutes, absolutely still
her face registering emotion after emotion
as the music sang to her heart.
something deeper than perhaps even she understood.
then the crowd .. and when they dispersed
she was gone.


I was amazed just watching her
gaining an insight and deeper revelation
that I barely comprehend with my head,
of just how God created music to be..
of how complex people are
and incredulous at the things we are moved by.

it was as if I'd experienced music and its effect
for the first time.. but through the eyes of another soul.

in some ways,
I feel as though I am experiencing my life
for the first time.
it's most likely that I am gaining
new perspective and as I've mentioned before,
seeing things through the eyes of hope
that is being restored to my heart.
not just hope that I'll make it to tomorrow still breathing,
but hope that there are Good things in my future
that God intends and is waiting to pour out.

it's definitely.. different.
and I like it.

I have been a little sick lately
just a bad cold..
but tired also.. and with a lot of processing
happening in my head and heart.

this verse has been in my head all day..
..I read it just before my shift started this morning..

'..enter His courts with thanksgiving; go into His courts with praise..' ~ psalm 100:4

beautiful.

these are keys
to being in God's presence,
to entering into His tabernacle
into the secret place.
and God.. the more I get to know Him
the more I see His is so much about joy.

He's been really speaking lately to me about
that whole joy in the midst of whatever thing
joy in the midst of everything.
"rejoice in the LORD always"
not easy at all,
but amazing that God would say that..

..that the way to get joy is to rejoice.
I guess if we waited 'til we felt like it,
we'd never do it.
sometimes you have to bypass your head and
speak to your spirit.

I feel as though,
for a little while there,
I lost my way and stumbled upon the outskirts of
Our Garden.

my fingers began to slowly slip out of my Lover's hand
as my view became clouded with
strains and pains and hurts
that needed clearing out.

and realising now that He had His hand on mine
the whole time.
I'm finding my way back
back into that secret place I love so much.
where His heart stands
a beacon to my troubled soul.

my favourite part of that song that loops on my blog playlist..
"look My way, look My way, My Love.."
He is so.. enduring and persistent.

I read that part of The Shack today during my break at work
just where Sarayu takes Mack into the garden
and they uproot the plants as they talk.
he is so captured by the mess of the place,
but also the sheer beauty of the garden, even in that state.
and Sarayu tells him that the garden is His heart

I cried.

my garden feels so dark and twisted
and so unlovely most of the time
but slowly,
slowly
I am learning to see it through His eyes
and I am a
complicated
beautiful
mess.

and it's a garden that He actually
delights in.

true love goes beyond romance

I remember reading once,
something to the effect of...
"..anything worth having is worth fighting for.."

I'm learning to love.
still learning.

God has sent certain people in my life
who are a large part of these lessons.
they are the most challenging and most
difficult relationships
only because they demand a deeper level
of heart, of vulnerability, of commitment...

these are the best.

I guess if you hold back your heart
you will never really know how much love can be
and heal and extend you and move nations..

God is Love
and the word multi-faceted
doesn't even begin to describe Him.
how much more is Love beyond what we see
think hear believe or experience.
God has been really opening up my eyes
to the More that He is.
the more that He has.
Just blowing the edges of my mind with how much
we don't even realise that He is and has for us!

and I guess like this song says
love isn't a fight, it's something to fight for.
hmm.

"We love because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19

it's our motivation,
our goal,
our reason,
our essence.
because we were made in His image.

hmm just processing 'out loud'..

I heard something great from Heidi Baker today
that is so true!!
"..intimacy is the goal ...fruit happens!"
shaka!

I am my Beloved's
and His passion is for me.



I took another personality test today
(took a spiritual gifts test recently)
since I didn't really pay too much attention
when we took them in psych class at uni.

I am already quite introspective,
as I guess is apparent through my writing.
after taking the test again.. I think that
I understand some things a little better about myself
and the way I relate to other people,
the way I relate to God and also the way I view the world.

perhaps I won't share the results just now...
..haha!
still processing a lot of it.
interesting, though.

I am feeling a little under the weather at the moment.
feels like a slightly bad cold.

only the thirsty drink deep

I feel like there is this sort.. well.. wall between me and God.
It's not huge, but it's enough for me to feel an absence.
of intimacy.
I am in a strange desert wilderness.
God is still speaking, but it's like
He wants me to seek
to really dig for His water

'only the hungry dine
only the thirsty drink deep'

so that means I have to keep pressing in

this photo is a self portrait from nikolinelr on flickr
it's so beautiful and something in me connects with it
identifies with it.
so often we spend too much time looking at ourselves
when we really ought to be looking at Him.


Originally uploaded by nikolinelr

but I find myself sometimes thinking
why me LORD?
why Love?
and lately..
how can You stand me?

but I guess that's where we learn to
put ourselves aside,
all our pride and arrogance disguising as humility
and realise that His Grace is the How
and His heart is the Why.
it's The Blood.

I'm tired, in a way.
I just want to rest in Him.

just random thoughts and a little
of what's happening in me lately.

I can't understand
this work of grace
how a perfect God
would come and take my place
the stars, they don’t move You
the waves, can’t undo You
the mountains, and their splendor
they cannot steal Your heart.

this God, who is Holy
perfect in Beauty
awesome in Glory
is ravished by my heart

though I am poor
You say I am lovely
though I am dark
You say I am beautiful

somehow my weakness
has overwhelmed You
somehow my weak love
it has stolen away Your heart

[ ~ sarah edwards ]

ps. thankyou Shannon for reading so faithfully..
you're right, it's awesome to find like-hearted people :)

the Place where we are Destined To Live

I've been thinking a lot
and God's been speaking a lot..
about worship.
and missions.
and people.

last night it occurred to me..
I felt almost ripped off when I thought back to
the paradigm of God I was taught when growing up
..and now.. I feel like the normal place of the church
is to be that LoveDrunk LoveSick bride
who worships like there it's the last chance she'll ever get
corporately.. and individually.

it all starts in that secret place of intimacy with God.
I remember something Bill Johnson once said..
something to the effect of..
I can stand here, pray for people, impart things in the Spirit..
but the one thing I can't impart is my secret history with God.

So true. Those are the richest times in one's life
but they are also the times that must be sought after
and fought for and cultivated and decided upon by each person.
God put so much potential in all of us.. eternity in our hearts,
but it's up to us to choose to place ourselves on the road that
will get us to the realisation of it all.

God is calling His people into deep deep intimacy
like never before.
Places of His soul that He has been just dying to show us.
and when we learn to get in that place,
the overflow can't help but pour and pour and pour
into other people's lives.

It's not about programs or trendy music..
it's about fully surrendered hearts..
death to self.
people who are willing to let God have His way.
My friend Cynthia said it best -
worship is whatever God wants, When God wants it.

Phil Mason said it good when he referenced Heidi Baker
saying that the only way she can do what she does,
day in and day out, loving people
the hurt, the dying, the broken, the sick..
is to live in that place of ecstacy and intimacy with God.
that other realm where what Paul wrote about
in the new testament, becomes really real.
Joy in the midst of suffering.
the realm of supernatural God-ecstacy.

I just want to love God with absolutely everything I am
hold nothing back...
and love people like Jesus does.

fill me up God

so.. my posts have been few and far between of late

there has been much contemplation and re-evaluation of things

after all the stuff at work and just feeling so squished

and heavy from all the spiritual attacks,

I went back to the YWAM base to just get away and think through

things and yes, re-evaluate a lot.

My life, particularly.

I currently do not enjoy nursing at all and I feel like

it's such a waste of my time in its current context.

I know that I am meant to be in missions right now and

it becomes more and more evident as the days pass.

God is slowly revealing His destiny for me and

narrowing is down more, so that is something!

I prayed and realised that I am always so drawn to

the DTS students on my base

I just love talking to them, seeing them grow

and so.. decided it was time for me to staff a DTS.

to get in there and impart and train and give of the

abundance that God has given to me and see young people

meet God like they never have before,

to see them absolutely ruined for anything but all of Him..

.. and thus I am staffing my first DTS in Feb 2010.

It is the Outback to Safari school, which is a mobile DTS

and is focused on indigenous ministry in Australia and

then goes to South Africa for a large part of the outreach phase.

I am a little nervous, but I am so stoked!

I almost wish it was february already..

I also ended up doing some graphic work for the base

while I was there, which I enjoyed a whole lot.

I am going home this afternoon, back to my parents' place

to get ready.

to leave.

I'll throw most of my stuff out,

since I don't really have anywhere for it anymore

and relinquished my room to my younger brother.

I don't know what the future holds

I don't even know how I will pay my staff or outreach fees

but God is still on the throne and I know I am going His way

so what can I do, but trust Him?

He gave me this verse last week

when it was all caving in on me ...

I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.

From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do

~Isaiah 46:10

and when I just sit and think back over all the things

God has said to me, about me, about my life..

far out.

He has been reminding me a lot lately

of His promises,

and how He is the God who brings them to pass.

Not one of His words falls to the ground void and useless.

Awright!

I do miss my family and I miss my neighbourhood somewhat.

I look forward to some nice warm days in the city

drinking coffee and watching the water,

enjoying a few more weeks off before I come back

full time staffing DTS for 6 months.

after that.. who knows where God will lead me?

Over the past few days, I've had these moments

of just absolute joy and peace like I've never experienced

and they crop up when I think about my life

and where I am going even in the very near future.

this morning in base worship I found myself thinking about it

and talking to God.. and it feels as if..

God is showing me more of who I am,

that the way I see myself is nowhere near the way He sees me

this person I am in these moments of joy

is not who I am now,

but I know deep down that it's who I want to be

and it's like my heart already knows this woman.

and the woman who is on display now.. her time is coming to an end

she was built on lies and pain and brokenness

but the redeemed of the LORD shall return!

the other night we were in the prayer room,

worshipping hard out and I felt God take me

to another level in worship.. I'm so stoked and also so

humbled and just.. wow God!!

learning so much more about abandonment and surrender

and what it means to lay it all down and pour out

everything on Him.

God has been speaking a lot lately also,

concerning the heart of my base's ministry -

we are Island Breeze, which is a ministry within YWAM:

Within the international ministry of YWAM, Island Breeze focuses on issues of restoration and redemption of peoples and their culture – ‘To know God and make him known through His inherent gifts and expressions within the nations’.

God has been showing me such beauty in the indigenous cultures

mine included, as well as the indigenous of this land (Australia).

over the last 2 years and very lately, the native people of North America.

I'm amazed and humbled and overjoyed at the treasures He has

placed within us all.

and just how amazing they are when they are redeemed in Jesus' blood

and the way they all fit together to bring Him glory.

He is taking me deeper,

challenging me to go there

to swim and play and drown in His river.

Die to myself

to live in Him.

I want to live that life obsessed with Jesus

ready to lay down everything no matter what

just because He is worth it all

and people are worth that much to Him.

With holiness that hurts the eyes.

That makes demons scream in shopping centres.

To walk with that fire and passion that moves kingdoms

and shakes eternity.

Deep calling to deep.

..many thoughts, many things to ponder..

So this guy comes up to me and says:
'what’s the vision? What’s the big idea?'
I open my mouth and words come out like this:

The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to lose,
that they might one day win
the great ‘Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is disciplined.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain”.

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs.
Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death, kill them?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

Inside.

On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.

Don’t you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdos! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.

How do I know?

Because this is the longing of creation itself,
the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great ‘Amen!’ from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.

[~ The Vision, Peter Grieg 24-7 Prayer]

what's so amazing about grace?

so the blogosphere has not seen me in a while, nor I, it.

here's the short story:

1. had some troubles at work

2. went to the base for some comfort, prayer & time to let God guide me

3. ended up doing some graphic work for the base directors

4. loved it.

5. went to brisbane with the DTS and prayer ministry to do an impartation visit to another base which went amazingly!

6. God is really turning & churning & stirring & shaking my life my heart & all I know! And it really hurts! But I'm daily amazed anew, at His grace.

7. I am coming back to YWAM full time in Jan 2010, starting with staffing my first DTS. Can't wait!

elaboration to come (most likely!)

love that moves eternity