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Monday, October 26, 2009

a weekend in Sydney

quality time with the girls @ GJ's in Cronulla, after surfing

awesome fun @ Gertrude & Alice's, bookstore cafe @ Bondi Beach.. some of the best chai I've had outside India




an interesting installation my friend & I stumbled across a few days ago in the city

under the birdcages..


me & my very best friend. She really is the sister I never had.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

from the land of the barren we will cry out for rain

keep looking at the bigger picture.




Thursday, October 15, 2009

you would not believe the way He looks at me

you would not believe
the way He touches me
He burns right through me

I can't hold my love back from You
I've gotta sing
Sing My Love



upon a sea of green, we danced to the song of fragrant memories and longing

He wrote some of the most passionate
real verse concerning love, passion, anger..
..Life.
This is one of my favourites.
__________________________


All night I have slept with you
next to the sea, on the island
Wild and sweet you were between pleasure and sleep,
between fire and water.

Perhaps very late
our dreams joined
at the top or at the bottom,
up above like branches moved by a common wind,
down below like red roots that touch.

Perhaps your dream
drifted from mine
and through the dark sea
was seeking me
as before,
when you did not exist,
when without sighting you
I sailed by your side,
and your eyes sought
what now---
bread, wine,love and anger--
I heap upon you
because you are the cup
that was waiting for the gifts of my life.

I have slept with you
all night long while
the dark earth spins
with the living and the dead,
and on waking suddenly
in the midst of the shadow
my arm encircled your waist.

Neither night nor sleep
could separate us.

I have slept with you
and on waking, your mouth
come from your dream,
gave me the taste of earth,
of sea water, of sea weed,
of the depths of your life
and I received your kiss
moistened by the dawn
as if it came to me
from the sea that surrounds us.

_______________


Toda la noche he dormido contigo
junto al mar, en la isla.
Salvaje y dulce eras entre el placer y el sueño,
entre el fuego y el agua.

Tal vez muy tarde
nuestros sueños se unieron
en lo alto o en el fondo,
arriba como ramas que un mismo viento mueve,
abajo como rojas raíces que se tocan.

Tal vez tu sueño
se separó del mío
y por el mar oscuro
me buscaba
como antes
cuando aún no existías,
cuando sin divisarte
navegué por tu lado,
y tus ojos buscaban
lo que ahora
—pan, vino, amor y cólera—
te doy a manos llenas
porque tú eres la copa
que esperaba los dones de mi vida.

He dormido contigo
toda la noche mientras
la oscura tierra gira
con vivos y con muertos,
y al despertar de pronto
en medio de la sombra
mi brazo rodeaba tu cintura.
Ni la noche, ni el sueño
pudieron separarnos.

He dormido contigo
y al despertar tu boca
salida de tu sueño
me dio el sabor de tierra,
de agua marina, de algas,
del fondo de tu vida,
y recibí tu beso
mojado por la aurora
como si me llegara
del mar que nos rodea.

[ Pablo Neruda ]
'La Noche en la Isla'
The Captain's Verses.1971

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

You are My God

I played this song last night
as I lay in bed

and as it washed over me,
I realised so many things..
in the presence of God things really do become clear.

I realised there is still so much shame in my heart
& so often I still feel like..
..how can God stand to look at me,
let lone run after me so passionately..
..fight off the legions of hell..
for me?

and there is the part I don't get:
Love & Grace.
the real kind, not the human conditional kind.

I am dark yet lovely
filthy yet loved
dirty yet washed clean

and as these things rolled through my heart and mind
I just cried and cried
and was so thankful
that I don't have to pay the price for my sins
I am washed so clean, like new
and on top of that I am so incredibly LOVED
God is revealing grace and love to my heart
anew.

so I'm choosing to move past the shame
and despite it,
to acknowledge His love
and accept it a little more
and crowd out all that ugly stuff
so that His love has every part of me.
one step at a time.

I feel like He has been singing this verse to me
over and over for a while now..
to stop hiding from Him
stop being ashamed to come before Him.

My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely
~ Song of Songs 2:14

in my life,
the hardest thing for me to understand has been
how much I am loved.
sometimes I still feel like
I need to do something to be worthy
of His love and grace and time..
but like I heard on the weekend,

He loves me because He loves me
because He loves me because He loves me
because He loves me
BECAUSE HE LOVES ME

thankfully.. He will never give up
telling me just how much,
until I get it.

and then He'll tell me some more.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

to me You have run..

..so I cry
Holy
the light is white
Holy
and I see You
Holy

I'm alive
I'm still alive..

I can feel You all around me
thickening the air I'm breathing
holding onto what I'm feeling
savouring this heart that's healing..

[~ flyleaf ]

joy in the midst

felt that heaviness this morning
like a burdensome winter coat.
i stumbled into the shower
[my favourite place to talk to God &
incidentally, one of the places I hear Him clearest]
and was just .. asking.. begging Him..
is this a wilderness time really?
or.. is it me who moved?

i decided i was too tired to contemplate it
through the day so i tried to force it
to the back of my mind
and lose myself in photoshop and worship music.
how can I ignore Him for long?
preposterous!

at the end of the day i decided...
..perhaps it doesn't matter if this is a wilderness
[though I think it is] or not
because the answer is the same...

Dig. Hunger. Thirst. Be Desperate.
Forget about yourself.
Pour out everything you have and are for God.
Worship Him in Spirit & in Truth.
Because He is worth it.
Always.

admittedly, my desperation has cooled somewhat of late
and my hunger, diminshed, my thirst,
somewhat quenched...
.. and that terrifies me more than a lot of things.

I guess it's true that what you feed yourself on
is what you will crave.
I used to crave God so much
but I let life get in the way and I slowly
stopped spending most of my day in His presence.
I slowly started to ignore His presence
and fill my mind with other things.

this became piercingly clear over the weekend...
I was at a Suzette Hattingh rally and I was so down
and so upset and anxious about finances for the coming year
as well as paying off things before I go back to YWAM...
..I have never really worried about money
and so it was weird even to me.. but I was so caught in it.
My best friend prayed for me
and near the end of the night I started to realise
that I really had taken my eyes off the Almighty
and hence..
my problems became gigantic!!!
ridiculous!!!

so.. I am just learning to keep my eyes on the LORD
and be joyful.
Truly Joyful.

JOY!!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

a beautiful mess

I stood there, as tired as could be,
waiting for my friend
amid the busyness and movement of peak hour
in the heart of the city.
but I found myself caught up in
seemingly insignificant happenings around me...

nearby, there was a man playing effortless guitar
the most beautiful expression on his face
as his fingers danced up and down the strings
.. I felt so removed from the entire scene
as if I were watching a short film.
no dialogue as such
but immense depth character and emotion
from the players.

as the man played, another stood by
unwilling to leave.
just then, a young teen-aged girl walked past
and a few metres away,
she stopped.
she looked almost bewildered at her own actions.
She turned around and stared in the guitarist's direction
it was as if she could not help herself.

she stood there for a good few minutes, absolutely still
her face registering emotion after emotion
as the music sang to her heart.
something deeper than perhaps even she understood.
then the crowd .. and when they dispersed
she was gone.


I was amazed just watching her
gaining an insight and deeper revelation
that I barely comprehend with my head,
of just how God created music to be..
of how complex people are
and incredulous at the things we are moved by.

it was as if I'd experienced music and its effect
for the first time.. but through the eyes of another soul.

in some ways,
I feel as though I am experiencing my life
for the first time.
it's most likely that I am gaining
new perspective and as I've mentioned before,
seeing things through the eyes of hope
that is being restored to my heart.
not just hope that I'll make it to tomorrow still breathing,
but hope that there are Good things in my future
that God intends and is waiting to pour out.

it's definitely.. different.
and I like it.

I have been a little sick lately
just a bad cold..
but tired also.. and with a lot of processing
happening in my head and heart.

this verse has been in my head all day..
..I read it just before my shift started this morning..

'..enter His courts with thanksgiving; go into His courts with praise..' ~ psalm 100:4

beautiful.

these are keys
to being in God's presence,
to entering into His tabernacle
into the secret place.
and God.. the more I get to know Him
the more I see His is so much about joy.

He's been really speaking lately to me about
that whole joy in the midst of whatever thing
joy in the midst of everything.
"rejoice in the LORD always"
not easy at all,
but amazing that God would say that..

..that the way to get joy is to rejoice.
I guess if we waited 'til we felt like it,
we'd never do it.
sometimes you have to bypass your head and
speak to your spirit.

I feel as though,
for a little while there,
I lost my way and stumbled upon the outskirts of
Our Garden.

my fingers began to slowly slip out of my Lover's hand
as my view became clouded with
strains and pains and hurts
that needed clearing out.

and realising now that He had His hand on mine
the whole time.
I'm finding my way back
back into that secret place I love so much.
where His heart stands
a beacon to my troubled soul.

my favourite part of that song that loops on my blog playlist..
"look My way, look My way, My Love.."
He is so.. enduring and persistent.

I read that part of The Shack today during my break at work
just where Sarayu takes Mack into the garden
and they uproot the plants as they talk.
he is so captured by the mess of the place,
but also the sheer beauty of the garden, even in that state.
and Sarayu tells him that the garden is His heart

I cried.

my garden feels so dark and twisted
and so unlovely most of the time
but slowly,
slowly
I am learning to see it through His eyes
and I am a
complicated
beautiful
mess.

and it's a garden that He actually
delights in.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

25 things about me

I have probably already posted this
but I came across it again
where it had originally been shared
and thought, why not?
so here we go...

1. I love the smell and feel of the ocean salt on my skin on a warm day and grass or sand underneath my feet. I hate wearing closed shoes. Going barefoot or in flip-flops everyday makes me devastatingly happy.

2. I'm ridiculously shy when meeting new people.

3. I love naming things that are dear to me. I named my first guitar Mossad. And my second, Fez. My ukulele is named Kauanoe (misty rain). My laptop is named Moss (Maurice), after my grandpa. When I was 13, I named my stuffed bunny, Rosencrantz Archimedes... it's still in my posesssion.

4. To this day, I love lurking in the poetry section of libraries.. and I love reading poetry in its native language.

5. I adore seeing the hidden beauty and potential in people, the more obscure, the more satisfying and wonderful. There is incredible beauty all around, sometimes you just have to soften your eyes.

6. Perpetually backpacking around the world and living in a community/village in some off-the-map jungle has been a constant temptation since I was young. I frequently dream of simply packing my bag and hanging out in South East Asia or Latin America for a few years... the time, I feel is drawing closer for this..

7. Singing beautiful songs makes me very, very happy.

8. I'm a story-teller and a collector of stories. It's in my blood. Like the ocean

9. I constantly write words, phrases, paragraphs of beauty in my head and sometimes on paper, but can never seem to be able to remember the melody I put to any of them.

10. Every year since I was 13 (except 2008), I have read 'To Kill A Mockingbird' and 'My Family and Other Animals'. 'Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency' has been read every year since the very early part of this century.

11. I was an anti-globalist of the communist/socialist persuasion for a number of years. Before uni. It was borne out of a pure desire.

12. I am much too sarcastic for my own good. Frequently. But definitely without a hint of malice. Thus I do enjoy the talents of the likes of Jack Dee and Eddie Izzard.

13. Sometimes I think that there might actually be no blood in my veins, only salt water. No matter how badly or how well my life is going, when I sit by the ocean, everything is better. And God, closer.

14. I'm an artist. But I love quantum physics. And I was in the chess club. I still have moments of monumental nerd-dom. And my God seems to have painted fractals into everything.

15. I'm never going to retire, because I'm always going to love what I do. There's no room in life for regret.

16. I was born in Fiji, moved to Aussie when I was 1yr old. I went to 9 different primary schools and 3 high schools, due to moving around (Australia) so often for my dad's job (draftsman). During this time, I also lived in Malaysia for 3 wonderful, dark, significant years. And I wholeheartedly appreciate my parents moving us around so often and implanting in me the insatiable travel bug and appreciation of people and culture.

17. I'm no good at arguing. I always seem to lose my thread and motivation to continue.

18. I have been debating for years, whether or not to just go for it and get dreads. It's the whole shaving-my-head-and-subsequ
ently-getting-a-bad-afro part that impinges on these thoughts.

19. I ought to be a much better guitar player than I am, however, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm just incredibly lazy in this area. I still dream of playing the drums (kit and hand drums), sita, cello and violin one day.

20. I used to make mixed tapes for people, but have only recently met kindred spirits who not only appreciate and understand, but also took part in this art-form.

21. I think a life lived without awareness and embodiment of Beauty, Love and Passion is not really life.

22. I spent 9 years (not consecutive) dilly-dallying in the Australian university education system. I can write an essay on just about anything off the top of my head. Without doing the required readings. Skills for life, eh? I almost took political science instead of nursing.

23. I would love to own a two-tone kombi microbus with safari windows.

24. Air-conditioners make me feel nauseated. Including the ones in shopping malls.

25. Every day, it becomes increasingly clear, as it infuses every part of me, that I have the Love I've always dreamed of.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

true love goes beyond romance

I remember reading once,
something to the effect of...
"..anything worth having is worth fighting for.."

I'm learning to love.
still learning.

God has sent certain people in my life
who are a large part of these lessons.
they are the most challenging and most
difficult relationships
only because they demand a deeper level
of heart, of vulnerability, of commitment...

these are the best.

I guess if you hold back your heart
you will never really know how much love can be
and heal and extend you and move nations..

God is Love
and the word multi-faceted
doesn't even begin to describe Him.
how much more is Love beyond what we see
think hear believe or experience.
God has been really opening up my eyes
to the More that He is.
the more that He has.
Just blowing the edges of my mind with how much
we don't even realise that He is and has for us!

and I guess like this song says
love isn't a fight, it's something to fight for.
hmm.

"We love because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19

it's our motivation,
our goal,
our reason,
our essence.
because we were made in His image.

hmm just processing 'out loud'..

I heard something great from Heidi Baker today
that is so true!!
"..intimacy is the goal ...fruit happens!"
shaka!

I am my Beloved's
and His passion is for me.



I took another personality test today
(took a spiritual gifts test recently)
since I didn't really pay too much attention
when we took them in psych class at uni.

I am already quite introspective,
as I guess is apparent through my writing.
after taking the test again.. I think that
I understand some things a little better about myself
and the way I relate to other people,
the way I relate to God and also the way I view the world.

perhaps I won't share the results just now...
..haha!
still processing a lot of it.
interesting, though.

I am feeling a little under the weather at the moment.
feels like a slightly bad cold.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

pianos and piercings

I'm off to the city with my bestest friend
to watch the rugby.
I am not a fan, but she loves it and I love her..
haha

only thing is.. it's raining
it's been raining almost non stop since yesterday
and I am.. without adequate protection..
..no brolly!!

anyhow.. I tweaked some of the features on my blog
and spent some time in photoshop
we'll see how long it is until I get tired of it LOL

I guess this is the reason I never got a tattoo
-- I would get tired of the same thing over and over.
I used to want my arms tattooed in black and grey
one 3/4 and one 1/4 length...
I might still get a small one somewhere

but it always has to have a meaning.
I only pierced my ears and nose to represent something
significant that happened.
No nose ring anymore,
wanted a vertical labret until a few weeks ago
now contemplating a horizontal eyeborw piercing.
we shall see.
lol

ok I'm off to brave the elements and just chill.

the ramblings of an ex-insomniac... 3am australian eastern standard time

I worked an evening shift tonight..
and still haven't quite rested since
getting back from the base, just been working.
I am tired,
but now I find it's 3:30am and I am awake.

I am a little stoked.. and apprehensive.
it's only a few more weeks til I leave this place.
I officially go back to YWAM in mid-January,
however I will be going up to Brisvegas
for a wedding, to spend Christmas with my best friend
and her family and do some training for DTS staffing.

Yay! I get to be in the lovely humid Brisbane summer weather!!
this is like a death sentence to a lot of people
but I am stoked.
I used to live in Malaysia and became
quite fond of the humidity.
I am a strange one.

it's a little weird to think that I am leaving soon
every other time I've gone to YWAM
I've always had something tying me back here
-- mostly uni.. but I've graduated now
and it's time for me to be me,
and to stop living in that limbo, torn between
desperately wanting to live my life and
not wanting to disappoint my parents.
but that time is over now.

my parents are not so stoked about me going to YWAM
and forsaking a career..
..they'll get it one day.
I know they wonder at my strange existence.

I found my copy of The Shack today.
I have read half of it, and today on my break at work
I opened it up randomly
and read something that really struck my heart.
when I first started reading it,
I found him to be a little tedious.
and as I read I found myself growing
more and more impatient with him...

...only to discover that I see so much of myself
in the attitudes and reactions of the main character.
I will start reading it again from the beginning.
and we will see what happens.

I really hope my boss doesn't call me to work tomorrow
I just need to rest.

I want to sit in my favourite spot
the place that I sit when no one but me is at home
by the back door, at the dining table
and this rain we've been having is so beautiful
so inspiring to me.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

dance that hope to my heart

this might sound silly and little-girlish
but I just want to run away with God.
He's so beautiful
sometimes it hurts,
in the light of my heart,
but He always astounds
and moves me
and though I have to dig for More of Him
it's worth it.

when I read His heart,
I remember Who He is
and Why I am.
and my heart feels that newly familiar
sense of somewhat intangible hope
that reverberates through my being
and quietly whispers smiles and love
beyond anything imagined or sung of
in any moment this universe has seen.

behold You have come
over the hills
upon the mountain
to me You have run
my Beloved
You've captured my heart

won't You dance with me
oh Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

with You I will go
You are my Love
You are my Fair One
the winter has passed
and the spring time has come

won't You dance with me
h Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

romance me
oh Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

[ ~ jesus culture ]

only the thirsty drink deep




I feel like there is this sort.. well.. wall between me and God.
It's not huge, but it's enough for me to feel an absence.
of intimacy.
I am in a strange desert wilderness.
God is still speaking, but it's like
He wants me to seek
to really dig for His water

'only the hungry dine
only the thirsty drink deep'

so that means I have to keep pressing in

this photo is a self portrait from nikolinelr on flickr
it's so beautiful and something in me connects with it
identifies with it.
so often we spend too much time looking at ourselves
when we really ought to be looking at Him.


Originally uploaded by nikolinelr

but I find myself sometimes thinking
why me LORD?
why Love?
and lately..
how can You stand me?

but I guess that's where we learn to
put ourselves aside,
all our pride and arrogance disguising as humility
and realise that His Grace is the How
and His heart is the Why.
it's The Blood.

I'm tired, in a way.
I just want to rest in Him.

just random thoughts and a little
of what's happening in me lately.

I can't understand
this work of grace
how a perfect God
would come and take my place
the stars, they don’t move You
the waves, can’t undo You
the mountains, and their splendor
they cannot steal Your heart.

this God, who is Holy
perfect in Beauty
awesome in Glory
is ravished by my heart

though I am poor
You say I am lovely
though I am dark
You say I am beautiful

somehow my weakness
has overwhelmed You
somehow my weak love
it has stolen away Your heart

[ ~ sarah edwards ]

ps. thankyou Shannon for reading so faithfully..
you're right, it's awesome to find like-hearted people :)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

my hands are covered in blood and oil and leaves

so these are letters from the battlefront.
sometimes the days are dark
and the victory, far off.

but in everything, our King,
Hislove endures
and His Blood won it all.

so I keep fighting.
I keep falling
deeper into Grace that I don't understand
and further into Rest
under His wing.

I take up His sword and He is my shield.
and I fight in the most efective way..
..

I worship.
With all that I am.

these warriors were born to fight fiercely and worship intimately

My voice is the sound of a thousand bells
Hear me nations, Hear Israel

My song is the water of the purest well
Hear me heaven, Fear me hell

My dance carries thunder from the throne of Yah
Look at me and know He is God


Let our praises rise like a weapon in Your hand
Let our praises rise Oh God
Let our praises rise like a weapon in Your hand
Let our praises rise Oh God


My hands hold the cure for every disease
They're covered in blood and oil and leaves

My laughter and tears create things unseen
Atmosphere changes, God released

My worship is armed with spirit and truth
Sacred, accepted, pleasing to You


God of eternity, wonders and majesty
God of all nations, uncharted galaxies
God who is Spirit, alive in me