joy in the midst

felt that heaviness this morning
like a burdensome winter coat.
i stumbled into the shower
[my favourite place to talk to God &
incidentally, one of the places I hear Him clearest]
and was just .. asking.. begging Him..
is this a wilderness time really?
or.. is it me who moved?

i decided i was too tired to contemplate it
through the day so i tried to force it
to the back of my mind
and lose myself in photoshop and worship music.
how can I ignore Him for long?
preposterous!

at the end of the day i decided...
..perhaps it doesn't matter if this is a wilderness
[though I think it is] or not
because the answer is the same...

Dig. Hunger. Thirst. Be Desperate.
Forget about yourself.
Pour out everything you have and are for God.
Worship Him in Spirit & in Truth.
Because He is worth it.
Always.

admittedly, my desperation has cooled somewhat of late
and my hunger, diminshed, my thirst,
somewhat quenched...
.. and that terrifies me more than a lot of things.

I guess it's true that what you feed yourself on
is what you will crave.
I used to crave God so much
but I let life get in the way and I slowly
stopped spending most of my day in His presence.
I slowly started to ignore His presence
and fill my mind with other things.

this became piercingly clear over the weekend...
I was at a Suzette Hattingh rally and I was so down
and so upset and anxious about finances for the coming year
as well as paying off things before I go back to YWAM...
..I have never really worried about money
and so it was weird even to me.. but I was so caught in it.
My best friend prayed for me
and near the end of the night I started to realise
that I really had taken my eyes off the Almighty
and hence..
my problems became gigantic!!!
ridiculous!!!

so.. I am just learning to keep my eyes on the LORD
and be joyful.
Truly Joyful.

JOY!!