a snapshot view

my life has been hectic busy lately!
but here is a snapshot of the last few weeks..

New Year's Eve worship @ the park,
the YWAM 50th Jubilee Celebrations in Canberra
with Loren and Darlene Cunningham and
Australia Day @ the park


New Year's Eve



Australia Day @ the park



YWAM 50th Jubilee Celebration @ Canberra


Some of the guys from my base

joy in the midst

felt that heaviness this morning
like a burdensome winter coat.
i stumbled into the shower
[my favourite place to talk to God &
incidentally, one of the places I hear Him clearest]
and was just .. asking.. begging Him..
is this a wilderness time really?
or.. is it me who moved?

i decided i was too tired to contemplate it
through the day so i tried to force it
to the back of my mind
and lose myself in photoshop and worship music.
how can I ignore Him for long?
preposterous!

at the end of the day i decided...
..perhaps it doesn't matter if this is a wilderness
[though I think it is] or not
because the answer is the same...

Dig. Hunger. Thirst. Be Desperate.
Forget about yourself.
Pour out everything you have and are for God.
Worship Him in Spirit & in Truth.
Because He is worth it.
Always.

admittedly, my desperation has cooled somewhat of late
and my hunger, diminshed, my thirst,
somewhat quenched...
.. and that terrifies me more than a lot of things.

I guess it's true that what you feed yourself on
is what you will crave.
I used to crave God so much
but I let life get in the way and I slowly
stopped spending most of my day in His presence.
I slowly started to ignore His presence
and fill my mind with other things.

this became piercingly clear over the weekend...
I was at a Suzette Hattingh rally and I was so down
and so upset and anxious about finances for the coming year
as well as paying off things before I go back to YWAM...
..I have never really worried about money
and so it was weird even to me.. but I was so caught in it.
My best friend prayed for me
and near the end of the night I started to realise
that I really had taken my eyes off the Almighty
and hence..
my problems became gigantic!!!
ridiculous!!!

so.. I am just learning to keep my eyes on the LORD
and be joyful.
Truly Joyful.

JOY!!

dance that hope to my heart

this might sound silly and little-girlish
but I just want to run away with God.
He's so beautiful
sometimes it hurts,
in the light of my heart,
but He always astounds
and moves me
and though I have to dig for More of Him
it's worth it.

when I read His heart,
I remember Who He is
and Why I am.
and my heart feels that newly familiar
sense of somewhat intangible hope
that reverberates through my being
and quietly whispers smiles and love
beyond anything imagined or sung of
in any moment this universe has seen.

behold You have come
over the hills
upon the mountain
to me You have run
my Beloved
You've captured my heart

won't You dance with me
oh Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

with You I will go
You are my Love
You are my Fair One
the winter has passed
and the spring time has come

won't You dance with me
h Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

romance me
oh Lover of my soul
to the song of all songs

[ ~ jesus culture ]

my leaves are dancing

.. so God's been reminding me
that it's He who is the one fighting for me
I just have to keep worshipping Him.
in spirit and in truth.

no matter how I feel
or what disgusting past filth
the enemy is trying to drag out of my heart
and throw back in my face,
God is still God
Jesus' Blood covered it all completelte
and He is still
Worth Everything.

He's so patient.
and He still loves.
I am continually amazed by His grace.
"I am dark yet beautiful"
-- in my ugliness and weakness
and broken state, covered in filth,
because of Jesus' blood,
I am beautiful and lovely in His sight.

He is the High Priest of Bliss
Worthy Holy Wonderful
Ever-Loving

and He wants to dance with me.

today I just felt so broken
trying to figure out what God wanted me to do
how would I get through this?
so many times life just seems
to be too hard,
the things the devil throws at me,
far too strong.
I felt so beaten down
so ready to give in.

just then, my best friend leaned down to me,
as I lay on the bed
she kissed me tenderly on the cheek
and whispered,
'Jesus wants to be so close to you.
That close.
Closer.'

it was so beautiful and
my heart just wept.
.. and my eyes leaked..
every tear a desperate cry for God
for Grace.
caught somewhere between reality and unbelief..

really..
The King of all the heavens,
Who breathed the universe into existence
wants to be that close to me.
To Me.

how can I not but
fall at His feet
and give Him everything?

love endures all things

Hang my locket around your neck,
wear my ring on your finger.
Love is invincible facing danger and death.
Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.
The fire of love stops at nothing—
it sweeps everything before it.
Flood waters can't drown love,
torrents of rain can't put it out.
Love can't be bought, love can't be sold—
it's not to be found in the marketplace.

~ Song of Solomon 8:6-8 [the message]

High Priest of Bliss

I've been very very sick for the past 2 days
feels like a spiritual attack
but God is still for me
and the battle isn't mine to fight, it's His.
So I'm resting.

and last week I was diagnosed with sciatica
due to a spinal disc herniation, pressing on the nerve.

but God still knows...
I'm learning to enjoy God amid the pain in my body
and keep my eyes on Him
He is so joyful, how can I not be?
He's the High Priest of Bliss, as my girl Steph says!

this darkness will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

with fear & trembling

my crusty-as shoes.. they need a wash. new ones would be better!


herself


spent the day with my best friend at Manly:
it was her birthday.
I wanted to do more for her..
we didn't do anything spectacular,
but she seemed so glad to just be with me.
that moved my heart so much.

learning to love hurts.
I mean real love.
I may be reiterating a former post,
but it seems to be the theme at the moment.

I am so afraid of the past and of myself due to the past
that it hinders me from growing at times
and moves me to hurt people when I don't mean to
by holding back so much from them
and always hesitating to go deeper.
Hearts are such delicate things,
yet fierce and tenacious and stronger than they may seem.

I learnt to love a little deeper and a little harder this weekend.
I felt like it was tearing me apart,
but taking that step was really tearing me away
from the old and the misconceptions
and the fears of the future.
fears that the pain of the past has created a dirty impure
monster inside me that will feed off and ruin
any love offered to me.
or that no love will ever be enough to encompass me
and all my failings.
and all my longings.

as hard as it is to learn to love,
it's directly connected to accepting love.
He took me deeper into that this weekend also.

I am so scared to love and be loved for me
but ironically, that is all I really want.
It's all any of us really want, I guess.
sometimes it feels so dark
but He.. He is not afraid of it
neither is He too small to conquer it and
move mountains, planets, oceans and stars to save me.

My amazing friends, my family,
they remind me that I am lovable
and that helps me also to accept
the love and affections of my Heart's Eternal Lover.
and in turn, love them too.

what a beautiful circle of intimacy.

so with fear, trembling & trepidation
screaming in my ears that this is a bad idea,
I move. I step closer to Him
and learn what it means to surrender.

My Lover, He is so faithful
and beyond Beautiful.
Deeply.
and His essence actually is love.
its not just something He does.
it's what He is.

wow. that was an honest post.

This doubt is screaming in my face
In this familiar place
Sheltered and concealed
And if this night won't let me rest
Don't let me second guess
What I know to be real
Put away all I know for tonight
And maybe I just might
Learn to let it go
Take my security from me
And maybe finally
I won't have to know everything

I am falling into grace
To the unknown to where you are
And faith makes everybody scared
It's the unknown, the don't-know
That keeps me hanging on and on and on to you

I got nothing left to defend
I cannot pretend
That everything makes sense
But does it really matter now
If I do not know how
To figure this thing out

Trying to fit these pieces in
Walking on a cloud of dust to
Get to you

I am falling into grace
To the unknown to where you are
And faith makes everybody scared
It's the unknown, the don't-know
That keeps me hanging on and on and on to You

~ Lifehouse

sweet cherry bomb

things that made me smile today

:: calling a dear friend on the eve of her birthday
:: dreaming of and craving cherries & strawberries
:: learning to walk into healing with my Eternal Lover
holding my hand

I am my Beloved's
and He is mine.

2 musos I love

turn my water into wine

I hate those days when
there is so much to say
but when you are standing right in front
of the person you meant to
speak these words of love and beauty and joy to...
...your breath catches in your throat and
your heart panics at the thought of being seen
that clearly...
..and yet, all you want is to be seen that deeply.
to be Known and loved for everything
that's found there

It happened to me today.
sigh.
learning to trust is so hard sometimes.
and regret sucks.

so.. just because I can...
here are My 5BT since last week:

1. long, warm cuddles.

2. feeling that deep deep craving for more of God
while going through my day. I could barely finish
peeling the potatoes at one stage, I just wanted to drop it all
& sit at His feet.

3. falling into the arms of dear friends when
things feel so rough, knowing I'm falling into
the arms of Jesus.

4. my first taste of pumpkin crunch cake,
made by her, with Love.

5. standing in the truth, especially when
it feels like a lie.