joy in the midst

felt that heaviness this morning
like a burdensome winter coat.
i stumbled into the shower
[my favourite place to talk to God &
incidentally, one of the places I hear Him clearest]
and was just .. asking.. begging Him..
is this a wilderness time really?
or.. is it me who moved?

i decided i was too tired to contemplate it
through the day so i tried to force it
to the back of my mind
and lose myself in photoshop and worship music.
how can I ignore Him for long?
preposterous!

at the end of the day i decided...
..perhaps it doesn't matter if this is a wilderness
[though I think it is] or not
because the answer is the same...

Dig. Hunger. Thirst. Be Desperate.
Forget about yourself.
Pour out everything you have and are for God.
Worship Him in Spirit & in Truth.
Because He is worth it.
Always.

admittedly, my desperation has cooled somewhat of late
and my hunger, diminshed, my thirst,
somewhat quenched...
.. and that terrifies me more than a lot of things.

I guess it's true that what you feed yourself on
is what you will crave.
I used to crave God so much
but I let life get in the way and I slowly
stopped spending most of my day in His presence.
I slowly started to ignore His presence
and fill my mind with other things.

this became piercingly clear over the weekend...
I was at a Suzette Hattingh rally and I was so down
and so upset and anxious about finances for the coming year
as well as paying off things before I go back to YWAM...
..I have never really worried about money
and so it was weird even to me.. but I was so caught in it.
My best friend prayed for me
and near the end of the night I started to realise
that I really had taken my eyes off the Almighty
and hence..
my problems became gigantic!!!
ridiculous!!!

so.. I am just learning to keep my eyes on the LORD
and be joyful.
Truly Joyful.

JOY!!

only the thirsty drink deep

I feel like there is this sort.. well.. wall between me and God.
It's not huge, but it's enough for me to feel an absence.
of intimacy.
I am in a strange desert wilderness.
God is still speaking, but it's like
He wants me to seek
to really dig for His water

'only the hungry dine
only the thirsty drink deep'

so that means I have to keep pressing in

this photo is a self portrait from nikolinelr on flickr
it's so beautiful and something in me connects with it
identifies with it.
so often we spend too much time looking at ourselves
when we really ought to be looking at Him.


Originally uploaded by nikolinelr

but I find myself sometimes thinking
why me LORD?
why Love?
and lately..
how can You stand me?

but I guess that's where we learn to
put ourselves aside,
all our pride and arrogance disguising as humility
and realise that His Grace is the How
and His heart is the Why.
it's The Blood.

I'm tired, in a way.
I just want to rest in Him.

just random thoughts and a little
of what's happening in me lately.

I can't understand
this work of grace
how a perfect God
would come and take my place
the stars, they don’t move You
the waves, can’t undo You
the mountains, and their splendor
they cannot steal Your heart.

this God, who is Holy
perfect in Beauty
awesome in Glory
is ravished by my heart

though I am poor
You say I am lovely
though I am dark
You say I am beautiful

somehow my weakness
has overwhelmed You
somehow my weak love
it has stolen away Your heart

[ ~ sarah edwards ]

ps. thankyou Shannon for reading so faithfully..
you're right, it's awesome to find like-hearted people :)

my hands are covered in blood and oil and leaves

so these are letters from the battlefront.
sometimes the days are dark
and the victory, far off.

but in everything, our King,
Hislove endures
and His Blood won it all.

so I keep fighting.
I keep falling
deeper into Grace that I don't understand
and further into Rest
under His wing.

I take up His sword and He is my shield.
and I fight in the most efective way..
..

I worship.
With all that I am.

these warriors were born to fight fiercely and worship intimately

My voice is the sound of a thousand bells
Hear me nations, Hear Israel

My song is the water of the purest well
Hear me heaven, Fear me hell

My dance carries thunder from the throne of Yah
Look at me and know He is God


Let our praises rise like a weapon in Your hand
Let our praises rise Oh God
Let our praises rise like a weapon in Your hand
Let our praises rise Oh God


My hands hold the cure for every disease
They're covered in blood and oil and leaves

My laughter and tears create things unseen
Atmosphere changes, God released

My worship is armed with spirit and truth
Sacred, accepted, pleasing to You


God of eternity, wonders and majesty
God of all nations, uncharted galaxies
God who is Spirit, alive in me

somewhere in between

God's still breaking and moulding me.
Terribly sore at times but gooood.

work was rough last week,
but God showed Himself so faithful
I didn't want to be alone anymore
so I came to the base
and ended up getting some work done, which is good.
I've been at the base doing some graphic design work
and this time it didn't make me want to poke my eyes out.
Yay LORD! haha

yesterday it was our regular intercession and fasting day,
but we also had a 12hour prayer time (rotating)
which was off the hook.
I got to lead worship for the beginning and end session
and man, God moved hard out.
so humbling!
Got new revelation of intimacy with God.
Goooooooooood.

I got to sit in on part of a DTS lecture today on destiny.
And was reminded once again of what God's
been speaking a lot lately,
just about pursuing character over giftings and even anointing.
good word.
lots of thinking and processing happening.

So I am coming back to IBSydney on staff next January
beginning with staffing a DTS in early Feb.
I'm stoked.. but I wonder what the rest of this year holds.

Been feeling for a bit now...
there is a change coming.
A significant one.
I might not like it and generally I'm not huge on change,
bu I'm getting better and feel like God is really preparing me
for things to come.
In my closest friendships, ministry and my walk with Him.

kia kaha

God's bringing up heart issues of late
deep ones.
feels like my soul & heart are being shredded
beyond all recognition..
but maybe that's the point.

it feels like too much to take.

today I was at work and fear was all over me
I felt a bunch of unclean spirits and demons
standing around taunting me
I could almost see them.

So I did the only thing I knew...
...declared Who God is and Who I am in Him.
immediately better.

ha!

He is still God & He is fighting for me.

kia kaha
kia toa
be strong
be brave